Santa: Doctor, ye phulon ki mala kis ke liye?
Doctor: Ye mera pehla operation hai, success hua to mere liye, nahi to
tumhare liye.
*********************************************
Santa: Doc saab, mein Chashma laga ke pad to sakoonga?
Doc: Haan, bilkul.
Santa: To phir theek hai doc saab varna Anpad aadmi ki zindagi bhi koi zindagi hai.
*********************************************
Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from
NASA to SATYANASA
*********************************************
Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: I'm falling in love.
*********************************************
Banta: Yeh chaaku kyon ubaal rahe ho?
Santa: Suicide karne ke liye
Banta: To phir ubalne ki kya zaroorat hai?
Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye
*********************************************
Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets
Jeeto: Why 3?
Santa: For you and your parents
*********************************************
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
*********************************************
Lady Doc: Tum roz subah clinic ke bahar khade ho kar auraton ko kyon ghoorte
ho?
Santa: Ji aap hi ne bahar likha hai: Auraton ko dekhne ka samay 9am-11am
*********************************************
A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.
*********************************************
There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle'
is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its marriage baraat. So one of them asks Santa sing,
"Singh saab, how come you are celebrating?"..... comes the reply :
Its the first time that a sardar has died of "brain" tumour !!"
*********************************************
One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in UK. A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing" Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh" Another Guy came and
asked the same Question. Sardar answered "No No Me Banta Singh." Third one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift
his place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much educated and answered
"Yes I am relaxing. The Sardar slapped him on his face and said "Idiot, Sab tere Ko wahahn dhoond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai." (Translation
... Idiot everyone is looking for you and you are relaxing here!!!!!)
*********************************************
So this sardarji is walking the other day and comes across a banana peel on the road. Can you guess what he might be thinking??
"Saala today again I will have to fall......"
*********************************************
Sunday, February 1, 2009
FRIENDSHIP SMS
Friendship is a promise made in the heart.
Silent.
Unwritten.
Unbreakable by distance.
Unchangeable by time.
Its lovely to have u as one !
No one will manufacture a lock without a key.
Similarly, God wont give problems without solutions.
So defeat your problems with great confidence.
Never ask 4 a kiss, just take it.
Never give a hug, ask 4 it.
Never ask do u love me, first say I love u.
Never say I cant live without u, say I live for u.
If a drop of water falls in
lake there is no identity.
But if it falls on a leaf of lotus
it shine like a pearl.
so choose the best place
where you would shine..
I have a pen which is blue,
I have a friend which is you.
Flowers will die, waters will dry,
but our friendship will never say goodbye.
X’cuse me,
Agar ap abhi soye nahin ho
aur sms parh rahe ho to
“Good Night”
Aur agar aap so gaye ho
aur sms subah parho gay to phir
“Good Morning
Shakespear said don’t worry!
because if u r worried u get a wrinkle,
So why don’t u smile & get a dimple.
Always smile and be happy
The world’s most beautiful sentence is…
“BUT…I LOVE U”
and the world’s most selfish and painful sentence is
“I LOVE YOU…BUT..”
Man: Sir, my wife is missing.
Postmaster:bhai ye post office hai,
police station me complain dijiyee.
Man:Kia karon, khushi k mare
kuch samajh nahin aa raha
0ur Friendship is Like Playing on See-Saw
Not only Because Its Always Fun With You
But Also Because I Wouldnt Mind
Going Down 2 See You Rising !!!
Sometimes in life we think
we don’t need anyone,
But sometimes we don’t have
anyone when we need someone.
So,hold good peoples around
&
never let your friends go!
Salesman:This computer will
cut your workload by 50%.
Babbal Singh:That is great,
I will take two of them
Man standing on the scale,
holding his stomach in.
Wife:I do not think that is going to help.
Man:Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers?
A man sees a fat man
sitting in a train cabin.
Taunting, he asks:
Is this cabin for elephants only!
Fat man humbly replies:
No!Even monkeys like you can sit!
Love is what I see in, your smile every day.
Love is what I feel in, every touch you give.
Love is what I hear in, every word you say.
Love is what we share every day we live
FRIEND means
f=free frm all formalities
r=right to say any thing
i=in anyway
e=either good or bad
n=no sorry no thnx
d=daantna peetna allowed 24 hours
Look Outside its So Pleasant!
Sun Smiling 4 U !
Trees Dancing 4 U !
Birds Singing 4 U !
Because, I Asked Them All 2 Wish You
True friends are like mornings,
u cant have them the whole day,
but u can be sure,
they will be there when u wakeup tomorrow,
next year and forever.
When clouds break rain falls.
When coconut break water falls.
when love break tears falls
but
when friendship break life falls
so never break friendship.
“Friends”
are
like
balloons
once u let them go
u cant ever get them
back
dats y i ll tie u
tight tu my heart
u r precious to lose
Lovers sitting in a park,
boy tries to kiss the girl..
Girl says No dear not all this before marriage..
Boy: Don’t worry darling “I am already married”.:
Once there was a mirror which used to kill “LIERS”
FRENCH:I think I don’t smoke (killed)
AMERICAN:I think, I love Iraq(killed)
Indian:I think (killed)
Life spent with someone
for a lifetime may be meaningless,
But a few moments spent
with someone who really loves U,
Means more than a life itself!
A beautiful girl goes to Professor cabin
and
say
that i will do anything to pass in the exams
and professor says
NOW OPEN YOUR
.
.
.
.
.
.
Books And Study
How long will you be special to me?
As long as the stars twinkle in the sky,
As long as angels are there up high,
Till the ocean run dry and till the day i die.
6 rules to be HAPPY:
Free your heart from hatred;
Free your mind from worries;
Live simply;
Expect less;
Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND
:-)
Love story!
A mosquito & hen fell in love with each other.
1 day they kissed each other
Hen died of dengue
&
Mosquito died of bird flu
Moral: Sachi mohabbat:-)
Professor:Chemical symbol of Barium?
Sardar: BA
Professor:For sodium?
Sardar: NA
Professor:What will we get if 1 atom of BA
& 2 atoms of NA combined?
Sardar: BANANA
Easiest ways to Die,
1.Have a cigerrate daily
U’ll die 10 years early
2.Have drink daily,
U’ll die 30 years early
3.Love some1 truely
U’ll die daily.
Its not an achievement to
make 1000’s friends in a year,
but an achievement is when
you make a friend for 1000’s years.
Be my vallentine
i am sending you this valentine wish
with hugs and kissess ,too ;
cause there,s a place
here in my neart that,s
mad for only you!!!!!!!!!!
What do you give a lady so sweet?
Who makes my existence so complete.
Should She get a Long-stemmed Rose?
Perhaps some very heartfelt pros?
A store-bought card with another’s word?
Anything that’s purchased seems absurd.
I would give you the World if it were mine,
For now, take my heart, and be My Valentine.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!
Old man walking on the street,
sees a child trying 2 reach a door bell.
Old man goes to the door,
rings the bell & says: what else?
Child:Uncle ab bhagoo!
Pundit:-Tumhare jeevan me 6 larkian ayengi.
Bow:Wow, kia bat hai.
Pandit:Ziada khush hone ki baat nahin hai.
1 ghar wali or 5 betiyan hain
Lawyer to sardar:geeta pe hath rakho
Sardar:Kamal hai, Seeta pe hath rakha
to baat court tak pohanch gaye,
ab bol raha he geeta pe hath rakho:
Babbal Singh saw a very high Airtel Tower
& red light glowing on the top,
seeing this he said “India is developing fast,
see there are traffic signals for Aeroplane in the air"
Congratulations!
Good news for Pokhara University students
Exams of Board have been postponed upto june
To confirm goto site
www.stop dreaming & start studying.com
If dentists make films,?the names will be -
*Daant ho na ho
*Jaanam brush karo
*Aa ab clean karen
*Kabhi teeth kabhi gum
*Humara daant aapke paas hai!
Silent.
Unwritten.
Unbreakable by distance.
Unchangeable by time.
Its lovely to have u as one !
No one will manufacture a lock without a key.
Similarly, God wont give problems without solutions.
So defeat your problems with great confidence.
Never ask 4 a kiss, just take it.
Never give a hug, ask 4 it.
Never ask do u love me, first say I love u.
Never say I cant live without u, say I live for u.
If a drop of water falls in
lake there is no identity.
But if it falls on a leaf of lotus
it shine like a pearl.
so choose the best place
where you would shine..
I have a pen which is blue,
I have a friend which is you.
Flowers will die, waters will dry,
but our friendship will never say goodbye.
X’cuse me,
Agar ap abhi soye nahin ho
aur sms parh rahe ho to
“Good Night”
Aur agar aap so gaye ho
aur sms subah parho gay to phir
“Good Morning
Shakespear said don’t worry!
because if u r worried u get a wrinkle,
So why don’t u smile & get a dimple.
Always smile and be happy
The world’s most beautiful sentence is…
“BUT…I LOVE U”
and the world’s most selfish and painful sentence is
“I LOVE YOU…BUT..”
Man: Sir, my wife is missing.
Postmaster:bhai ye post office hai,
police station me complain dijiyee.
Man:Kia karon, khushi k mare
kuch samajh nahin aa raha
0ur Friendship is Like Playing on See-Saw
Not only Because Its Always Fun With You
But Also Because I Wouldnt Mind
Going Down 2 See You Rising !!!
Sometimes in life we think
we don’t need anyone,
But sometimes we don’t have
anyone when we need someone.
So,hold good peoples around
&
never let your friends go!
Salesman:This computer will
cut your workload by 50%.
Babbal Singh:That is great,
I will take two of them
Man standing on the scale,
holding his stomach in.
Wife:I do not think that is going to help.
Man:Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers?
A man sees a fat man
sitting in a train cabin.
Taunting, he asks:
Is this cabin for elephants only!
Fat man humbly replies:
No!Even monkeys like you can sit!
Love is what I see in, your smile every day.
Love is what I feel in, every touch you give.
Love is what I hear in, every word you say.
Love is what we share every day we live
FRIEND means
f=free frm all formalities
r=right to say any thing
i=in anyway
e=either good or bad
n=no sorry no thnx
d=daantna peetna allowed 24 hours
Look Outside its So Pleasant!
Sun Smiling 4 U !
Trees Dancing 4 U !
Birds Singing 4 U !
Because, I Asked Them All 2 Wish You
True friends are like mornings,
u cant have them the whole day,
but u can be sure,
they will be there when u wakeup tomorrow,
next year and forever.
When clouds break rain falls.
When coconut break water falls.
when love break tears falls
but
when friendship break life falls
so never break friendship.
“Friends”
are
like
balloons
once u let them go
u cant ever get them
back
dats y i ll tie u
tight tu my heart
u r precious to lose
Lovers sitting in a park,
boy tries to kiss the girl..
Girl says No dear not all this before marriage..
Boy: Don’t worry darling “I am already married”.:
Once there was a mirror which used to kill “LIERS”
FRENCH:I think I don’t smoke (killed)
AMERICAN:I think, I love Iraq(killed)
Indian:I think (killed)
Life spent with someone
for a lifetime may be meaningless,
But a few moments spent
with someone who really loves U,
Means more than a life itself!
A beautiful girl goes to Professor cabin
and
say
that i will do anything to pass in the exams
and professor says
NOW OPEN YOUR
.
.
.
.
.
.
Books And Study
How long will you be special to me?
As long as the stars twinkle in the sky,
As long as angels are there up high,
Till the ocean run dry and till the day i die.
6 rules to be HAPPY:
Free your heart from hatred;
Free your mind from worries;
Live simply;
Expect less;
Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND
:-)
Love story!
A mosquito & hen fell in love with each other.
1 day they kissed each other
Hen died of dengue
&
Mosquito died of bird flu
Moral: Sachi mohabbat:-)
Professor:Chemical symbol of Barium?
Sardar: BA
Professor:For sodium?
Sardar: NA
Professor:What will we get if 1 atom of BA
& 2 atoms of NA combined?
Sardar: BANANA
Easiest ways to Die,
1.Have a cigerrate daily
U’ll die 10 years early
2.Have drink daily,
U’ll die 30 years early
3.Love some1 truely
U’ll die daily.
Its not an achievement to
make 1000’s friends in a year,
but an achievement is when
you make a friend for 1000’s years.
Be my vallentine
i am sending you this valentine wish
with hugs and kissess ,too ;
cause there,s a place
here in my neart that,s
mad for only you!!!!!!!!!!
What do you give a lady so sweet?
Who makes my existence so complete.
Should She get a Long-stemmed Rose?
Perhaps some very heartfelt pros?
A store-bought card with another’s word?
Anything that’s purchased seems absurd.
I would give you the World if it were mine,
For now, take my heart, and be My Valentine.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!
Old man walking on the street,
sees a child trying 2 reach a door bell.
Old man goes to the door,
rings the bell & says: what else?
Child:Uncle ab bhagoo!
Pundit:-Tumhare jeevan me 6 larkian ayengi.
Bow:Wow, kia bat hai.
Pandit:Ziada khush hone ki baat nahin hai.
1 ghar wali or 5 betiyan hain
Lawyer to sardar:geeta pe hath rakho
Sardar:Kamal hai, Seeta pe hath rakha
to baat court tak pohanch gaye,
ab bol raha he geeta pe hath rakho:
Babbal Singh saw a very high Airtel Tower
& red light glowing on the top,
seeing this he said “India is developing fast,
see there are traffic signals for Aeroplane in the air"
Congratulations!
Good news for Pokhara University students
Exams of Board have been postponed upto june
To confirm goto site
www.stop dreaming & start studying.com
If dentists make films,?the names will be -
*Daant ho na ho
*Jaanam brush karo
*Aa ab clean karen
*Kabhi teeth kabhi gum
*Humara daant aapke paas hai!
BIRTHDAY SMS
Happy Birthday
A couple phoned a neighbour to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."
Mr.Mundre(as a teacher) had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science.
He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...
"Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things... What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that
.
Sorry 4 disturb u. can u fax me ur photo, its very urgent, serious matter has comeup actually, we r playing a cards and I lost the joker.
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. mundre, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. mundre replied. "I hung him up to dry."
I want u... To be with me In a nice Restaurent To have candle light dinner.... & to say say those sweet three words to U.... "Pay The Bill"
A Short thing
It gets Longer
when U hold it
N pass between
women Breasts
N enters into
A hole
What is it?
1 min 2 think!
Car Seat Belt
U dirty mind.
Colour of underwear reflects your mood:
Red - Wild,
Black - Sexy,
Blue - Romantic,
Pink - Seductive
White - Calm,
Yellow - time to change your undrewear!
INDIA KI REET... Ladki agar apni marzi se de de to PYAAR... Agar Dost Dilwaye to UPHAR... Ghar wale dilwaye to SANSKAR... aur agar apne aap lele to... BaLaTkAar...
Sali: Jija ji 500 rs. dedo, agley hafte doongi...
Jija: 1500 lele par abhi de..
Make luv to ur galfriend on Valentine day. She'll give u gud news on Mothers` day n u'll hv a child on children`s day. Don't try this on everybody. U'll hv bad news on Dec 1 (AIDS day)
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all women problems begin with MEN!
School mein bachche ke papa ne teacher se kaha: Madam ji thodi aap koshish karo, thodi hum karte hain, bachcha to nikal hi jayega...!
Teacher: why are you late?
Student: My dad told me to take our cow to bull.
Teacher(Angrily): Can't your dad to it?
Student: No, only BULL can do it.
Wht he wants, I do not want ... What I want, he doesn't want ... What we both want, is not allowed!
Don't send any messages, I don't want to see you, hear your voice, think of you, coz my doctor advised me 2 keep away from Sweets.
Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary?
Ans: Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
&
Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
Miss: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Student: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
What are the difference between a paisa and a friend? A paisa is easy to earn, a friend is hard to find. A paisa loses its value, a friend increases its worth. I don't have a paisa but I have you!
In da mornin I don’t eat coz I think of u, at noon I don’t eat coz I think of u, in da evenin I don’t eat coz I think of u, at night I don’t sleep coz Im hungry
At this moment 3.7 Millions are sleeping,2.3 Millions are falling in Love,4.1 Million are eating & only one cute person in the whole world is reading my SMS....Good Night!!!
Forgetting u is hard to do, 4gtn me is upto you, Forgetting me not, forgt me never, bt don’t forget, we’re great together
Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
A couple phoned a neighbour to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."
Mr.Mundre(as a teacher) had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science.
He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...
"Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things... What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that
.
Sorry 4 disturb u. can u fax me ur photo, its very urgent, serious matter has comeup actually, we r playing a cards and I lost the joker.
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. mundre, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. mundre replied. "I hung him up to dry."
I want u... To be with me In a nice Restaurent To have candle light dinner.... & to say say those sweet three words to U.... "Pay The Bill"
A Short thing
It gets Longer
when U hold it
N pass between
women Breasts
N enters into
A hole
What is it?
1 min 2 think!
Car Seat Belt
U dirty mind.
Colour of underwear reflects your mood:
Red - Wild,
Black - Sexy,
Blue - Romantic,
Pink - Seductive
White - Calm,
Yellow - time to change your undrewear!
INDIA KI REET... Ladki agar apni marzi se de de to PYAAR... Agar Dost Dilwaye to UPHAR... Ghar wale dilwaye to SANSKAR... aur agar apne aap lele to... BaLaTkAar...
Sali: Jija ji 500 rs. dedo, agley hafte doongi...
Jija: 1500 lele par abhi de..
Make luv to ur galfriend on Valentine day. She'll give u gud news on Mothers` day n u'll hv a child on children`s day. Don't try this on everybody. U'll hv bad news on Dec 1 (AIDS day)
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all women problems begin with MEN!
School mein bachche ke papa ne teacher se kaha: Madam ji thodi aap koshish karo, thodi hum karte hain, bachcha to nikal hi jayega...!
Teacher: why are you late?
Student: My dad told me to take our cow to bull.
Teacher(Angrily): Can't your dad to it?
Student: No, only BULL can do it.
Wht he wants, I do not want ... What I want, he doesn't want ... What we both want, is not allowed!
Don't send any messages, I don't want to see you, hear your voice, think of you, coz my doctor advised me 2 keep away from Sweets.
Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary?
Ans: Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
&
Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
Miss: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Student: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
What are the difference between a paisa and a friend? A paisa is easy to earn, a friend is hard to find. A paisa loses its value, a friend increases its worth. I don't have a paisa but I have you!
In da mornin I don’t eat coz I think of u, at noon I don’t eat coz I think of u, in da evenin I don’t eat coz I think of u, at night I don’t sleep coz Im hungry
At this moment 3.7 Millions are sleeping,2.3 Millions are falling in Love,4.1 Million are eating & only one cute person in the whole world is reading my SMS....Good Night!!!
Forgetting u is hard to do, 4gtn me is upto you, Forgetting me not, forgt me never, bt don’t forget, we’re great together
Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
WEDDING MC JOKES( RELATIONSHIP JOKES)
Being asked to be the Wedding MC can be a nerve-wracking experience for many men. Responsible for making sure the reception timetable is adhered to, the wedding MC is also expected to be funny, although he doesn't give a speech unless he is also best man - the role was traditionally performed by the best man, but these days is often a separate function. However, the wedding MC is required to speak in public when introducing the speakers and making other announcements.
How to Prepare Your Wedding MC Jokes
The good news about weddings is that people will tend to laugh at anything that is even remotely funny and so your wedding MC jokes don't need to be the best you've ever heard. However, delivery and timing certainly help, so you should prepare your jokes in advance and practice speaking them aloud.
A warm, friendly manner will go down well and make people more predisposed to like what you say. Don't try and be the center of attention, and make sure the jokes you use are appropriate for everyone invited to the wedding. The guests are likely to comprise of all age ranges from toddlers to the elderly and so don't say anything that might offend!
If you're not a natural comedian - and lets face it, not many of us are - then you may be short of jokes. Most people can only remember a few, so it can really be helpful to invest a few dollars in a Wedding MC Jokebook. While some of the jokes may have been used before, they are tried and tested and you'll also get tips of delivery from professional comedians and your performance can really benefit.
Example Jokes
The jokes below are just a selection from the Wedding MC Jokebook, but may give you some ideas to get started.
Example 1
Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
Example 2
A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The disappointed groom asked St. Peter if it would still be possible for them to get married.
"I'm afraid you'll have to wait," St. Peter replied. If you still want to get married we will talk about it."
Five years passed and the couple came back. They asked to be married again. St. Peter said, "Sorry, you'll have to wait five more years."
They waited another five years and St. Peter said they could be married. The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple was happy, but then they realized they made a mistake. They now asked St. Peter if they could get a divorce.
"What?" St . Peter asked. "It took us 10 years to find a minister in heaven, and now you want a lawyer?"
Example 3
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested her husband should try his hand changing diapers.
"I’m busy" he said, "I’ll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled.
"Oh, I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
Practicing your Wedding MC Jokes
Once you've prepared your jokes, you should make a note of them - just enough to remind you of what they are. Also start to plan when during the day you are going to say them. Only use one at a time, otherwise people will start to think you're stealing some of the limelight from the bride and groom.
Since you need to announce what happens when, you should consult the bride and groom to find out what their plans are. Write this all down with approximate timings so that on the big day you don't have to do it all from memory - a sure-fire road to disaster.
Once you have a list of what you need to do and when, and notes on the jokes you should start to think about what you'll say during the announcements. In addition to your wedding MC jokes you need to pass of information too!
Practice what you've planned until you are comfortable with it. Once you start on the wedding day, you'll tart to enjoy the role and relax. And once people laugh at your comments then you'll be able to really enjoy yourself.
Good luck!
How to Prepare Your Wedding MC Jokes
The good news about weddings is that people will tend to laugh at anything that is even remotely funny and so your wedding MC jokes don't need to be the best you've ever heard. However, delivery and timing certainly help, so you should prepare your jokes in advance and practice speaking them aloud.
A warm, friendly manner will go down well and make people more predisposed to like what you say. Don't try and be the center of attention, and make sure the jokes you use are appropriate for everyone invited to the wedding. The guests are likely to comprise of all age ranges from toddlers to the elderly and so don't say anything that might offend!
If you're not a natural comedian - and lets face it, not many of us are - then you may be short of jokes. Most people can only remember a few, so it can really be helpful to invest a few dollars in a Wedding MC Jokebook. While some of the jokes may have been used before, they are tried and tested and you'll also get tips of delivery from professional comedians and your performance can really benefit.
Example Jokes
The jokes below are just a selection from the Wedding MC Jokebook, but may give you some ideas to get started.
Example 1
Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
Example 2
A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The disappointed groom asked St. Peter if it would still be possible for them to get married.
"I'm afraid you'll have to wait," St. Peter replied. If you still want to get married we will talk about it."
Five years passed and the couple came back. They asked to be married again. St. Peter said, "Sorry, you'll have to wait five more years."
They waited another five years and St. Peter said they could be married. The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple was happy, but then they realized they made a mistake. They now asked St. Peter if they could get a divorce.
"What?" St . Peter asked. "It took us 10 years to find a minister in heaven, and now you want a lawyer?"
Example 3
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested her husband should try his hand changing diapers.
"I’m busy" he said, "I’ll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled.
"Oh, I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
Practicing your Wedding MC Jokes
Once you've prepared your jokes, you should make a note of them - just enough to remind you of what they are. Also start to plan when during the day you are going to say them. Only use one at a time, otherwise people will start to think you're stealing some of the limelight from the bride and groom.
Since you need to announce what happens when, you should consult the bride and groom to find out what their plans are. Write this all down with approximate timings so that on the big day you don't have to do it all from memory - a sure-fire road to disaster.
Once you have a list of what you need to do and when, and notes on the jokes you should start to think about what you'll say during the announcements. In addition to your wedding MC jokes you need to pass of information too!
Practice what you've planned until you are comfortable with it. Once you start on the wedding day, you'll tart to enjoy the role and relax. And once people laugh at your comments then you'll be able to really enjoy yourself.
Good luck!
FUNNY KIDS JOKES
Funny Kids Joke #1:
o A little girl goes to see the doctor. She's got a pea in one nostril, a grape in the other, and a string bean stuck in her ear.
She says to the doctor... "I don't feel good."
The doctor replies... "The problem is clear to me. You're not eating right!"
o What did the chewing gum say to the shoe?
I'm stuck on you
o What did the silly comedian bake on his day off?
Cornbread
o What is black and white and pink all over?
An embarrassess zebra!
o What did one mountain say to the other mountain?
Let's meet in the valley
o What bird steals from the rich to give to the poor?
Robin Hood
o What did the toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a little flushed
o Why did the woman wear a helmet at the dinner table?
She was on a crash diet.
o Why didn't the hotdog star in the movies?
The rolls weren't good enough.
o Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
Funny Kids Joke #2:
o What do you call a fairy that hasn't taken a bath?
Stinkerbell
o Why do birds fly south?
Because it is too far to walk.
o What time is it when an elephant sites on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.
o Which word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly
o What is the cannibals’ favorite game?
Swallow the leader.
o What do you call a scared dinosaur?
A nervous Rex.
o Why are Teddy Bears never hungry?
Because they are always stuffed.
o Who granted the fish's wish?
The Fairy Cod Mother.
Funny Kids Joke #3:
o How do change a pumpkin into another vegetable?
You throw it up in the air and it comes down squash.
o Why is Dracula so unpopular?
He's a pain in the neck.
o If you are American outside of the bathroom what are you when you are inside the bathroom?
European (you're a peeing)
o What did the snail say when she climbed up on the turtle's back?
Wheeeeeeeeeeee
o Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
o Who always steals the soap in the bathroom?
The robber ducky!
o What do you call a lamb attack ship?
A battlesheep!
o What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
o What kind of vegetable did Gus eat at the bowling alley?
A-spare-a-gus!
o What are grey, purple, pink, orange, yellow and blue?
An elephant holding a box of crayons!!
o What's the LONGEST word in the WHOLE WORLD?
S-MILE...because "s" is a mile from the end!
Funny Kids Joke #4:
o Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
o What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
"Is that you mommy?"
o What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
o How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
o What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
o What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
o Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll
o What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
ME!!!
o Where do snowmen keep their money?
In snow banks.
o What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Funny Kids Joke #5:
o Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
o What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
o Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing!
o What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!
o How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it!
o Where do bees go to the bathroom?
At the BP station!
o What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Odor in the court.
o What did the water say to the boat?
Nothing, it just waved.
o What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Dam!
o Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
Funny Kids Joke #6:
o What has four legs but can't walk?
A table!
o Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!
o What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up!
o What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
Milk and quackers!
o Why did the elephant eat the candle?
He wanted a light snack!
o Why is the letter "G" scary?
It turns a host into a ghost
o What has 4 eyes but no face?
Mississippi!
o What did the spider do on the computer?
Made a website!
o What letters are not in the alphabet?
The ones in the mail, of course!
o Why were 6 afraid of 7?
Because 789!
Funny Kids Joke #7:
o Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.
o How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
o What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little horse
o What do you call cheese that is not yours?
Nacho Cheese
o Why did the sheep say "moo"?
It was learning a new language!
o What streets do ghosts haunt?
Dead ends!
o What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
The Space bar!
o What exam do young witches have to pass?
A spell-ing test!
o Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
o Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
Because you dribble on the floor!
Funny Kids Joke #8:
o What is the best day to go to the beach?
Sunday, of course!
o What bow can't be tied?
A rainbow!
o What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you'll rise and shine!
o What does a teddy bear put in his house?
Fur-niture!
o What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.
o What happens to cows during an earthquake?
They give milk shakes!
o Why did the jelly wobble?
Because it saw the milk shakes!
o What do you call a girl who is always in the bookies?
Betty!
o Where do cows go on holiday?
Moo York
o Where did the computer go to dance?
To a disc-o.
o What do you call a man who rolls in the leaves?
Russell
Funny Kids Joke #9:
o What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A Bed
o Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
He was a chicken.
o What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
o What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going in circles and get to the point!
o How do you make a hotdog stand?
Steal its chair!
o Did you hear about what happened at the Laundromat last night?
Three clothes-pins held up two shirts!
o Why did the computer squeak?
Because someone stepped on its mouse
o What did one earthquake say to another?
It's not my fault!
o Where's an astronaut's favorite place on the computer?
The spacebar!
o What do you call a cat that sucks on lemons?
A sour puss!
o A little girl goes to see the doctor. She's got a pea in one nostril, a grape in the other, and a string bean stuck in her ear.
She says to the doctor... "I don't feel good."
The doctor replies... "The problem is clear to me. You're not eating right!"
o What did the chewing gum say to the shoe?
I'm stuck on you
o What did the silly comedian bake on his day off?
Cornbread
o What is black and white and pink all over?
An embarrassess zebra!
o What did one mountain say to the other mountain?
Let's meet in the valley
o What bird steals from the rich to give to the poor?
Robin Hood
o What did the toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a little flushed
o Why did the woman wear a helmet at the dinner table?
She was on a crash diet.
o Why didn't the hotdog star in the movies?
The rolls weren't good enough.
o Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
Funny Kids Joke #2:
o What do you call a fairy that hasn't taken a bath?
Stinkerbell
o Why do birds fly south?
Because it is too far to walk.
o What time is it when an elephant sites on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.
o Which word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly
o What is the cannibals’ favorite game?
Swallow the leader.
o What do you call a scared dinosaur?
A nervous Rex.
o Why are Teddy Bears never hungry?
Because they are always stuffed.
o Who granted the fish's wish?
The Fairy Cod Mother.
Funny Kids Joke #3:
o How do change a pumpkin into another vegetable?
You throw it up in the air and it comes down squash.
o Why is Dracula so unpopular?
He's a pain in the neck.
o If you are American outside of the bathroom what are you when you are inside the bathroom?
European (you're a peeing)
o What did the snail say when she climbed up on the turtle's back?
Wheeeeeeeeeeee
o Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
o Who always steals the soap in the bathroom?
The robber ducky!
o What do you call a lamb attack ship?
A battlesheep!
o What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
o What kind of vegetable did Gus eat at the bowling alley?
A-spare-a-gus!
o What are grey, purple, pink, orange, yellow and blue?
An elephant holding a box of crayons!!
o What's the LONGEST word in the WHOLE WORLD?
S-MILE...because "s" is a mile from the end!
Funny Kids Joke #4:
o Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
o What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
"Is that you mommy?"
o What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
o How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
o What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
o What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
o Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll
o What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
ME!!!
o Where do snowmen keep their money?
In snow banks.
o What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Funny Kids Joke #5:
o Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
o What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
o Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing!
o What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!
o How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it!
o Where do bees go to the bathroom?
At the BP station!
o What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Odor in the court.
o What did the water say to the boat?
Nothing, it just waved.
o What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Dam!
o Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
Funny Kids Joke #6:
o What has four legs but can't walk?
A table!
o Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!
o What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up!
o What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
Milk and quackers!
o Why did the elephant eat the candle?
He wanted a light snack!
o Why is the letter "G" scary?
It turns a host into a ghost
o What has 4 eyes but no face?
Mississippi!
o What did the spider do on the computer?
Made a website!
o What letters are not in the alphabet?
The ones in the mail, of course!
o Why were 6 afraid of 7?
Because 789!
Funny Kids Joke #7:
o Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.
o How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
o What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little horse
o What do you call cheese that is not yours?
Nacho Cheese
o Why did the sheep say "moo"?
It was learning a new language!
o What streets do ghosts haunt?
Dead ends!
o What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
The Space bar!
o What exam do young witches have to pass?
A spell-ing test!
o Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
o Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
Because you dribble on the floor!
Funny Kids Joke #8:
o What is the best day to go to the beach?
Sunday, of course!
o What bow can't be tied?
A rainbow!
o What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you'll rise and shine!
o What does a teddy bear put in his house?
Fur-niture!
o What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.
o What happens to cows during an earthquake?
They give milk shakes!
o Why did the jelly wobble?
Because it saw the milk shakes!
o What do you call a girl who is always in the bookies?
Betty!
o Where do cows go on holiday?
Moo York
o Where did the computer go to dance?
To a disc-o.
o What do you call a man who rolls in the leaves?
Russell
Funny Kids Joke #9:
o What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A Bed
o Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
He was a chicken.
o What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
o What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going in circles and get to the point!
o How do you make a hotdog stand?
Steal its chair!
o Did you hear about what happened at the Laundromat last night?
Three clothes-pins held up two shirts!
o Why did the computer squeak?
Because someone stepped on its mouse
o What did one earthquake say to another?
It's not my fault!
o Where's an astronaut's favorite place on the computer?
The spacebar!
o What do you call a cat that sucks on lemons?
A sour puss!
FUNNY DOG JOKES(ANIMAL)
Funny Dogs Joke #1:
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a cute dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his long tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Funny Dogs Joke #2:
There is a pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab all locked up in the local dog pound.
The pit-bull decides to speak freely and says, "You know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. The kids have been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The bull-dog speaks up and says, "I'm in for a similar incident. My master just wasn't paying any attention to me since that stinking baby came along and one day while it was crawling around on the floor I bit its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
Both the pit-bull and bull-dog look at the black lab and ask, "What are you in for?"
The lab replies, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking around the house naked all day long cleaning the house. When she went into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and mounted her."
The pit-bull asks, "So when are you due to be put to sleep?"
And the lab replies, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just in to have my nails trimmed and groomed."
Funny Dogs Joke #3:
A guy wanted to take his Chihuahua into a restaurant with him, so he put on dark glasses and "tapped" his way into the establishment.
The waiter said "Hey! You can't bring a dog in here."
The man indignantly claimed "I'm blind! ... This is my Seeing Eye dog!"
"You're trying to tell me" said the waiter, "that this Chihuahua is a Seeing Eye dog?"
"What???!!” cried the man, "they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Funny Dogs Joke #4:
Man to dog trainer: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner."
Dog trainer: "That's OK, he is a Boxer."
Funny Dogs Joke #5:
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband replies, "Well, lots of clever dogs can do that."
The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
Funny Dogs Joke #6:
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"
Funny Dogs Joke #7:
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."
Funny Dogs Joke #8:
During break time at obedience school, two silly dogs were talking. One said to the other...
"The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."
Funny Dogs Joke #9:
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him."
So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes.
“Finally” he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he is cross-eyed?"
"No, because he is really, really heavy."
Funny Dogs Joke #10:
A little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take the little dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "The dog is in heat, go ask daddy."
The little girl goes to her father,
"Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? Mom said the dog is in heat and that I should ask you."
"Hm." He answers, “Takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's butt with it.”
"OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash."
Little girl goes and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad asks, "Where is Susie?"
Little girl says, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block. But another dog is pushing her home."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a cute dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his long tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Funny Dogs Joke #2:
There is a pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab all locked up in the local dog pound.
The pit-bull decides to speak freely and says, "You know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. The kids have been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The bull-dog speaks up and says, "I'm in for a similar incident. My master just wasn't paying any attention to me since that stinking baby came along and one day while it was crawling around on the floor I bit its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
Both the pit-bull and bull-dog look at the black lab and ask, "What are you in for?"
The lab replies, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking around the house naked all day long cleaning the house. When she went into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and mounted her."
The pit-bull asks, "So when are you due to be put to sleep?"
And the lab replies, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just in to have my nails trimmed and groomed."
Funny Dogs Joke #3:
A guy wanted to take his Chihuahua into a restaurant with him, so he put on dark glasses and "tapped" his way into the establishment.
The waiter said "Hey! You can't bring a dog in here."
The man indignantly claimed "I'm blind! ... This is my Seeing Eye dog!"
"You're trying to tell me" said the waiter, "that this Chihuahua is a Seeing Eye dog?"
"What???!!” cried the man, "they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Funny Dogs Joke #4:
Man to dog trainer: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner."
Dog trainer: "That's OK, he is a Boxer."
Funny Dogs Joke #5:
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband replies, "Well, lots of clever dogs can do that."
The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
Funny Dogs Joke #6:
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"
Funny Dogs Joke #7:
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."
Funny Dogs Joke #8:
During break time at obedience school, two silly dogs were talking. One said to the other...
"The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."
Funny Dogs Joke #9:
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him."
So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes.
“Finally” he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he is cross-eyed?"
"No, because he is really, really heavy."
Funny Dogs Joke #10:
A little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take the little dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "The dog is in heat, go ask daddy."
The little girl goes to her father,
"Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? Mom said the dog is in heat and that I should ask you."
"Hm." He answers, “Takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's butt with it.”
"OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash."
Little girl goes and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad asks, "Where is Susie?"
Little girl says, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block. But another dog is pushing her home."
FUNNY FOOTBALL JOKES( SPORTS JOKES)
Funny Football Joke #1:
o Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
o What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
o How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
Depends how thin you slice them.
o What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A dope carrier.
o Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...
As he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier try to revive Ferguson.
After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are...
"Where the hell am I?”
The Cashier replies...
"Don’t worry, it’s ok, you're in the Nationwide."
Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"
o What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
Gifted.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #2:
o How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.
o Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.
o What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
Their personalities.
o What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common?
Both are f**ing bad singers!!!
o How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
Never enough.
o What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.
o What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
Trustworthy.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #3:
o What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. Fan?
Skid marks in front of the dog.
o What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A Man U fan is a real dick
o Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.
o David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happily...
Posh asks him “why he’s celebrating?”
He answers...
"Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
o "And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
o What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
Waste of Spice
o David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist...
"Have you donated before?”
"Yes" replies Beckham
"You should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist...
"But I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham
The receptionist replies...
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #4:
o David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says...
'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies...
'No, just a half, then I'm off'
o It’s the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United.
Pondering the situation, he asks his Father...
"What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says...
"Wear four out there Romeo"
o What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
They are both f***ing useless singers.
o Why is David Beckham like a Ferrari Roche?
They both come in a posh box
o What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.
o What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common?
They both go in and out of Victoria
o What do the England football team and Posh Spice both have in common?
They've both been screwed by David Beckham.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #5:
o Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
o David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Rudd Van Nistelroy. Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head...
"No, David don't do it.!" Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers....
"I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies.
"You're next."
o Every time Big Roger attends a Chelsea game he books 2 seats...
One to sit in, the other to throw when the fighting starts.
o Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read...
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other...
"When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
o Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?.
Who gives a F**K!
o What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig?
I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.
o What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A Problem.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #6:
o What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
An even bigger problem.
o What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
Problem solved
o How do you define 144 Chelsea fans
Gross Stupidity
o Why did Chelsea go on the stock exchange?
To prove that crap can float.
o What is the difference between Gianfranco Zola and a mini?
A mini can only carry three passengers.
o Why do Chelsea fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
So they know which end to wipe!
o I've heard that Stamford Park has arguably the best pitch in the Premiership.
Well... not entirely surprising considering all the sh*t that has been on there.
o What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion?
No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #7:
o What do Chelsea keepers and Singer Michael Jackson both have in common?
Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
o What does Claudi Ranieri say when Chelsea score?
Fantastic!!! Now let us try to get goal at other end of pitch.
o Two Gunners fans are on the plane on the way to Holland.
One turns to the other and says...
"Hey Arthur! See if this plane turns upside-down... will we fall out?"
"No way Richard," says his mate...
"Of course we'll still be pals!!"
o You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Arsenal Fan.
You have a gun with two bullets... What should you do?
Shoot the Arsenal Fan Twice!!!
o What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?
The tea stays in the cup longer!
o What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit?
The accused.
o Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
o What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
o How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
Depends how thin you slice them.
o What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A dope carrier.
o Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...
As he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier try to revive Ferguson.
After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are...
"Where the hell am I?”
The Cashier replies...
"Don’t worry, it’s ok, you're in the Nationwide."
Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"
o What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
Gifted.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #2:
o How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.
o Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.
o What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
Their personalities.
o What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common?
Both are f**ing bad singers!!!
o How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
Never enough.
o What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.
o What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
Trustworthy.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #3:
o What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. Fan?
Skid marks in front of the dog.
o What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A Man U fan is a real dick
o Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.
o David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happily...
Posh asks him “why he’s celebrating?”
He answers...
"Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
o "And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
o What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
Waste of Spice
o David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist...
"Have you donated before?”
"Yes" replies Beckham
"You should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist...
"But I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham
The receptionist replies...
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #4:
o David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says...
'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies...
'No, just a half, then I'm off'
o It’s the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United.
Pondering the situation, he asks his Father...
"What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says...
"Wear four out there Romeo"
o What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
They are both f***ing useless singers.
o Why is David Beckham like a Ferrari Roche?
They both come in a posh box
o What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.
o What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common?
They both go in and out of Victoria
o What do the England football team and Posh Spice both have in common?
They've both been screwed by David Beckham.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #5:
o Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
o David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Rudd Van Nistelroy. Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head...
"No, David don't do it.!" Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers....
"I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies.
"You're next."
o Every time Big Roger attends a Chelsea game he books 2 seats...
One to sit in, the other to throw when the fighting starts.
o Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read...
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other...
"When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
o Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?.
Who gives a F**K!
o What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig?
I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.
o What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A Problem.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #6:
o What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
An even bigger problem.
o What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
Problem solved
o How do you define 144 Chelsea fans
Gross Stupidity
o Why did Chelsea go on the stock exchange?
To prove that crap can float.
o What is the difference between Gianfranco Zola and a mini?
A mini can only carry three passengers.
o Why do Chelsea fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
So they know which end to wipe!
o I've heard that Stamford Park has arguably the best pitch in the Premiership.
Well... not entirely surprising considering all the sh*t that has been on there.
o What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion?
No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #7:
o What do Chelsea keepers and Singer Michael Jackson both have in common?
Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
o What does Claudi Ranieri say when Chelsea score?
Fantastic!!! Now let us try to get goal at other end of pitch.
o Two Gunners fans are on the plane on the way to Holland.
One turns to the other and says...
"Hey Arthur! See if this plane turns upside-down... will we fall out?"
"No way Richard," says his mate...
"Of course we'll still be pals!!"
o You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Arsenal Fan.
You have a gun with two bullets... What should you do?
Shoot the Arsenal Fan Twice!!!
o What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?
The tea stays in the cup longer!
o What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit?
The accused.
FUNNY CAT JOKES
Funny Cat Joke #1:
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
Funny Cat Joke #2:
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"
The Lord ................ ???#@!!@#!#$!#$!@#%!%!#$@#
Funny Cat Joke #3:
A mother cat was teaching her kitten cat lore. She explained that this was the duty of all mother cats since before recorded history and it was important that her kitten would not do anything to embarrass her when she allowed her master to play with her.
At the end of the lesson, after she had gone over all the cat rules such as ignoring anything the human might say, she asked her kitten if there was question she might want to ask.
The kitten said, "Momma, you have given me all the situations a cat might get into and the proper cat-responses but, what should I do if a new situation comes up that you haven't covered?"
Momma cat responded, "Oh my gosh! I'm SO glad you asked that. I've gotten into so many rules that I forgot the most important first rule!"
Kitten asked: "What is that, Momma?"
Momma drew up and looked kitten right in the eye and said: "When in doubt -- wash!"
Funny Cat Joke #4:
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis,
thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
Funny Cat Joke #5:
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc....
The taxi arrives and as the couple go out the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver, ....
"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab: "Sorry I took so long," he says,
"stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
The taxi driver....... ???!!!!@#!@!~#$!#$%!@
Funny Cat Joke #6:
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A peeping tom.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
What is a cat's favourite song?
Three Blind Mice.
What is a cat's way of keeping law & order?
Claw Enforcement.
How did a cat take first prize at the bird show?
He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists?
Because they finally opened their eyes.
Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat?
Hiss and Tell.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
Funny Cat Joke #2:
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"
The Lord ................ ???#@!!@#!#$!#$!@#%!%!#$@#
Funny Cat Joke #3:
A mother cat was teaching her kitten cat lore. She explained that this was the duty of all mother cats since before recorded history and it was important that her kitten would not do anything to embarrass her when she allowed her master to play with her.
At the end of the lesson, after she had gone over all the cat rules such as ignoring anything the human might say, she asked her kitten if there was question she might want to ask.
The kitten said, "Momma, you have given me all the situations a cat might get into and the proper cat-responses but, what should I do if a new situation comes up that you haven't covered?"
Momma cat responded, "Oh my gosh! I'm SO glad you asked that. I've gotten into so many rules that I forgot the most important first rule!"
Kitten asked: "What is that, Momma?"
Momma drew up and looked kitten right in the eye and said: "When in doubt -- wash!"
Funny Cat Joke #4:
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis,
thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
Funny Cat Joke #5:
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc....
The taxi arrives and as the couple go out the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver, ....
"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab: "Sorry I took so long," he says,
"stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
The taxi driver....... ???!!!!@#!@!~#$!#$%!@
Funny Cat Joke #6:
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A peeping tom.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
What is a cat's favourite song?
Three Blind Mice.
What is a cat's way of keeping law & order?
Claw Enforcement.
How did a cat take first prize at the bird show?
He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists?
Because they finally opened their eyes.
Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat?
Hiss and Tell.
FUNNY GIRLS JOKES
Funny Girls Joke #1:
"My husband claims to be a great sexual athlete, just because he always comes first."
(Ellie Lane)
"The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says: 'It's a girl.'"
(Shirley Chisholm)
"A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after."
(Gloria Steinem)
"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times."
(Sanskrit proverb)
Funny Girls Joke #2:
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her...
"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said...
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that what ever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said...
"That would be okay,"
and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her...
"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock too."
The woman replied...
"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM ... she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said...
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said...
"That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM... she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered...
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: “Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.”
Funny Girls Joke #3:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically...
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Funny Girls Joke #4:
o Why do men become smarter during sex?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
o Why don't women blink during foreplay?
(they don't have enough time)
o Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
o Why did god put men on earth?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
o Why don't women have men's brains?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
Funny Girls Joke #5:
o What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)
o Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
o Why do men masturbate?
(it is sex with someone they love)
o Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.)
o Why did god make men before women?
(you need a rough draft before you make the perfect final copy)
o Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
o How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
(it's never happened)
Funny Girls Joke #6:
Male language dictionary
o I am hungry : I am hungry
o I am sleepy : I am sleepy
o I am tired : I am tired
o Nice dress : Nice cleavage!
o I love you : Let's have sex now
o I am bored : Can we have sex now?
o May I have this dance? : I'd like to have sex with you
o Can I call you sometime? : I'd like to have sex with you
o Do you want to go to a movie? : I'd like to have sex with you
o Can I take you out to dinner? : I'd like to have sex with you
o I don't think those shoes go with that outfit : I'm gay
Funny Girls Joke #7:
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard...
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies.
"Can you get him for me?" she asks.
"I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message"...
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".
Funny Girls Joke #8:
How to speak about women and be politically correct:
o She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
o She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
o She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
o She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
o She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
o She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
o She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
o She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
o She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
o She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
o She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
Funny Girls Joke #9:
o What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make...
“cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its bollocks.”
o What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?
“Snowballs.”
o What's the difference between a man and ET?
“ET phoned home.”
o What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
“Men always miss them.”
o Why do men have a hole in their penis?
“So oxygen can get to their brains.”
o Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
“When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.”
o What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
“The man.”
"My husband claims to be a great sexual athlete, just because he always comes first."
(Ellie Lane)
"The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says: 'It's a girl.'"
(Shirley Chisholm)
"A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after."
(Gloria Steinem)
"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times."
(Sanskrit proverb)
Funny Girls Joke #2:
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her...
"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said...
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that what ever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said...
"That would be okay,"
and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her...
"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock too."
The woman replied...
"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM ... she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said...
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said...
"That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM... she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered...
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: “Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.”
Funny Girls Joke #3:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically...
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Funny Girls Joke #4:
o Why do men become smarter during sex?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
o Why don't women blink during foreplay?
(they don't have enough time)
o Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
o Why did god put men on earth?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
o Why don't women have men's brains?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
Funny Girls Joke #5:
o What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)
o Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
o Why do men masturbate?
(it is sex with someone they love)
o Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.)
o Why did god make men before women?
(you need a rough draft before you make the perfect final copy)
o Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
o How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
(it's never happened)
Funny Girls Joke #6:
Male language dictionary
o I am hungry : I am hungry
o I am sleepy : I am sleepy
o I am tired : I am tired
o Nice dress : Nice cleavage!
o I love you : Let's have sex now
o I am bored : Can we have sex now?
o May I have this dance? : I'd like to have sex with you
o Can I call you sometime? : I'd like to have sex with you
o Do you want to go to a movie? : I'd like to have sex with you
o Can I take you out to dinner? : I'd like to have sex with you
o I don't think those shoes go with that outfit : I'm gay
Funny Girls Joke #7:
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard...
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies.
"Can you get him for me?" she asks.
"I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message"...
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".
Funny Girls Joke #8:
How to speak about women and be politically correct:
o She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
o She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
o She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
o She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
o She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
o She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
o She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
o She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
o She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
o She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
o She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
Funny Girls Joke #9:
o What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make...
“cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its bollocks.”
o What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?
“Snowballs.”
o What's the difference between a man and ET?
“ET phoned home.”
o What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
“Men always miss them.”
o Why do men have a hole in their penis?
“So oxygen can get to their brains.”
o Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
“When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.”
o What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
“The man.”
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