Birthday Sms
someone likes you
Its a nice feeling when you know that someone likes you, someone thinks about you, someone needs you;but it feels much better when you know that someone never ever forgets your birthday."HAPPY BIRTHDAY
someone never ever forgets your birthday
Its a nice feeling when you know that someone likes you, someone thinks about you, someone needs you;but it feels much better when you know that someone never ever forgets your birthday.\"HAPPY BIRTHDAY\".
god said a gem is going to be born
In my past life, god said a gem is going to be born on (date) and i give u a boon that u get to be this beautiful gem's friend...couldnt ask for anything more but thank the god for giving me a friend like u...happy birthday and dont forget that someone somewhere is wishing for ur happiness on every falling star. MAY ALMIGHTYS BEST BLESSINGS
Nice feeling when you know that someone likes you
Its a nice feeling when you know that someone likes you, someone thinks about you, someone needs you;but it feels much better when you know that someone never ever forgets your birthday."HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
Birthday is the main festival
Birthday is the main festival with invitations, wishes, gifts, friends, and free animated ecards.
Have a great birthday
The museum curator called today and spoke in animated tones. He has a team of scientists who want to carbon date your bones!! Have a great birthday
blessings on ur BIRTHDAY
may almighty shower u with blessings on ur BIRTHDAY.luv u aiways..
delicated blossom, fantastic people
Flying papers , multi colours of balloon, delicated blossom, fantastic people, love and laughter. What it describes? HAPPY BIRTHDAY
special day a costly affair!!!! Your birth day is the perfect day to say I care, because you will remeber me when u certainly make it a big affair, and when you do hold a party... I bet you will be the one who would care to make ur special day a costly affair!!!!
wishing you a wonderful
Apun wishing you a wonderful, super duper, zabardast, extra bariya, extra special ekdum mast n dhinchak bole to ekdum jhakaas, JANAM DIN mubarak ho..
Wishing my friendly inner voice a very happy birthday
Today is a day of celebration. Why? Because, years ago on the same day, GOD sent me my flesh and bone conscience. Wishing my friendly inner voice a very happy birthday.
May u Live lOng as Long more
Many many happy resturns of the and May u Live lOng as Long more Than Devil
aapke har kadam par duniya ka salam hoga
Dua hai Ki Kamyabi ke har sikhar pe aap ka naam hoga, aapke har kadam par duniya ka salam hoga, Himat se mushkilon ka samana karna hamari dua hai ki waqt bhi ek din aapka gulam hoga. Happy Birthday
GOLDEN RAY OF THE SUN
Let the GOD decorate each GOLDEN RAY OF THE SUN reaching u with wishes of Success, Happiness and prosperity 4 U, Wish you a super duper happy birthday
May God bless you with health
Wish you a many many happy returns of the day. May God bless you with health, wealth and prosperity in your life
sorry i missed your birthday
I am sorry i missed your birthday, you have had so many i have lost track
wonderful moments and shinning dreams
May this birthday be just the beginning of a year filled with happy memories, wonderful moments and shinning dreams
wish Happy Birthday
Its always a treat to wish Happy Birthday to someone so Sweet
Blessed with happiness
I hope that your day is Blessed with happiness and joy Sunshine and friendship Happy Birthday
Step by step
Step by step the journey goes on,
Little by little it may seem so long.
Forget about your past, you can't change it,
Forget about your future, you cant predict it.
Just think about present, you can handle it.
Enjoy presents every moment & be happy....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to U....!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
SOME USEFUL TIPS JOKES
Judge: ‘The last time I saw you, I told you that I didn’t want to see you here Again’. Accused: ‘That is what I tried to tell these policemen, your Honour, but they would not believe me.’
What is your age?’ -asked the Judge. ‘Remember you are under oath’. ‘Twenty-one years and some months,’ -the woman answered. ‘How many months?’ -the Judge persisted. ‘One hundred and eight.’
Chemistry Teacher: ‘Can you give me the formula for water?’ Student: ‘H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-.’ Chemistry Teacher: ‘Where did you get an idea like that?’
Student: ‘You told us the other day it was H to O.’
Judge: ‘How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?’ Prisoner: ‘How do I know, your honour? I haven’t heard the evidence yet.’
Doctor: ‘Nurse! Did you take this patient’s temperature?’ Nurse: ‘Why, doctor? Is it missing?’
The frantic-looking lady came rushing out of her house into the street and cried: ‘Help! Help! My young son has swallowed a coin and is choking. I don’t know what to do!’ Everyone looked the other way, except for a middle-aged gentleman who rushed into the lady’s house, found her young son, turned him upside down and shook him until the coin fell out of his mouth. ‘Oh, thank you!’- cried the lady. ‘Are you a doctor?’ ‘No madam,’ -replied the middle-aged man. ‘I’m from the Income Tax Department.’
Teacher: ‘Mundre, can you tell me which month is the shortest?’
Mundre: ‘It’s May, miss.’
Teacher: ‘No, it isn’t. The shortest month is February.’
Mundre: ‘But, miss, February has eight letters in it while May only has three!’
Difficult Question
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the bees. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman
If your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying these:
• "Sure you'll get your figure back. We'll just search 1985 to see where you left it."
• "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
• "What's the big deal? If you can handle 'me' going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
• "Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, will ya?"
• "Yo, fatass! You're blocking the TV!"
• "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!"
• "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
• "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
• Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
• "Got milk?"
• "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." Condom Size Tester
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle !" Cyanide Please A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license." Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Top 8 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
10 Things You Don't Want To Hear In The Airport
10. "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20."
9. "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags."
8. "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know its origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase."
7. "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that's why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking them? Hey! You rat! Save some for me!"
6. "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package."
5. "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed."
4. "For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing 'turbulence,' a common by-product of 'air travel.' Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we've safely landed."
3. "Madam, please take your food now, the tongs are melting."
2. "We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila."
1. "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar... oh, crap!"
Marketing Tips and Its definition
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
3 ways to catch a TIGER:
1:- NEWTON METHOD: let tiger catch you. Every action has equal and opposite reaction. u can catch tiger as observed.
2:- EINSTEIN METHOD:- run in opposite direction to tiger. According to theory of relativity tiger will run fast and get tired and then you will be able to catch it.
3:-According to most efficient POLICE METHOD:
Catch a CAT and torture it till it agrees that its the TIGER.
What is your age?’ -asked the Judge. ‘Remember you are under oath’. ‘Twenty-one years and some months,’ -the woman answered. ‘How many months?’ -the Judge persisted. ‘One hundred and eight.’
Chemistry Teacher: ‘Can you give me the formula for water?’ Student: ‘H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-.’ Chemistry Teacher: ‘Where did you get an idea like that?’
Student: ‘You told us the other day it was H to O.’
Judge: ‘How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?’ Prisoner: ‘How do I know, your honour? I haven’t heard the evidence yet.’
Doctor: ‘Nurse! Did you take this patient’s temperature?’ Nurse: ‘Why, doctor? Is it missing?’
The frantic-looking lady came rushing out of her house into the street and cried: ‘Help! Help! My young son has swallowed a coin and is choking. I don’t know what to do!’ Everyone looked the other way, except for a middle-aged gentleman who rushed into the lady’s house, found her young son, turned him upside down and shook him until the coin fell out of his mouth. ‘Oh, thank you!’- cried the lady. ‘Are you a doctor?’ ‘No madam,’ -replied the middle-aged man. ‘I’m from the Income Tax Department.’
Teacher: ‘Mundre, can you tell me which month is the shortest?’
Mundre: ‘It’s May, miss.’
Teacher: ‘No, it isn’t. The shortest month is February.’
Mundre: ‘But, miss, February has eight letters in it while May only has three!’
Difficult Question
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the bees. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman
If your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying these:
• "Sure you'll get your figure back. We'll just search 1985 to see where you left it."
• "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
• "What's the big deal? If you can handle 'me' going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
• "Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, will ya?"
• "Yo, fatass! You're blocking the TV!"
• "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!"
• "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
• "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
• Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
• "Got milk?"
• "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." Condom Size Tester
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle !" Cyanide Please A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license." Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Top 8 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
10 Things You Don't Want To Hear In The Airport
10. "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20."
9. "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags."
8. "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know its origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase."
7. "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that's why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking them? Hey! You rat! Save some for me!"
6. "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package."
5. "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed."
4. "For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing 'turbulence,' a common by-product of 'air travel.' Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we've safely landed."
3. "Madam, please take your food now, the tongs are melting."
2. "We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila."
1. "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar... oh, crap!"
Marketing Tips and Its definition
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
3 ways to catch a TIGER:
1:- NEWTON METHOD: let tiger catch you. Every action has equal and opposite reaction. u can catch tiger as observed.
2:- EINSTEIN METHOD:- run in opposite direction to tiger. According to theory of relativity tiger will run fast and get tired and then you will be able to catch it.
3:-According to most efficient POLICE METHOD:
Catch a CAT and torture it till it agrees that its the TIGER.
CORPORATE LANGUAGE JOKES
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress well; a couple of the real daring wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We have filled the job! Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.
I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO:
I’m never at my desk.
FUN FACTS
Q: What do you call a cow that has just had a baby?
A: De-calf-inated!
Q: What do you call sleeping male cattle?
A: Bull-dozers!
Q: What does a cow ride when her car is broken?
A: A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!
Q: Where do cows go on their space vacation?
A: The Moooon!
Q: What is a cow’s favorite party game?
A: MOO-sical chairs
Q: How does a cow do math?
A: A COW-culator!
Q: What do cows read at the breakfast table?
A: The moospaper!
Q: Where do cows go on dates?
A: The moovies!
Q: What would you hear at a cow concert?
A: Moosic!
Fun Facts
When animals graze in the pasture, they have to tear the grass by moving their heads. Cattle don’t have any cutting teeth in the front of their upper jaw, so they can’t just bite the grass off.
The rumen can hold 40 gallons – that is as big as a bathtub!
What sport uses a pigskin? Football. Many footballs are made out of cowhide, not pig skin!
Beef by-products allow us to use 99% of every beef animal.
Cattle use their tails as fly swatters.
Cattle came to America with Christopher Columbus.
Cattle spend 6 hours a day eating and 8 hours a day chewing cud.
A cow stands up and sits down about 14 times a day.
A cow drinks about 30 gallons of water per day.
Cattle can detect odors up to five miles away
Adult cattle have 32 teeth. Many people do, too.
Cow’s milk has a pH of about 6.
Cattle can see color.
A cow’s heart beats 60 – 70 times per minute.
A cow’s average body temperature is 101.5ยบ F
Hay ranks third, behind pasture and corn, as the most popular livestock feed.
There are 207 bones in a cow’s body.
A: De-calf-inated!
Q: What do you call sleeping male cattle?
A: Bull-dozers!
Q: What does a cow ride when her car is broken?
A: A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!
Q: Where do cows go on their space vacation?
A: The Moooon!
Q: What is a cow’s favorite party game?
A: MOO-sical chairs
Q: How does a cow do math?
A: A COW-culator!
Q: What do cows read at the breakfast table?
A: The moospaper!
Q: Where do cows go on dates?
A: The moovies!
Q: What would you hear at a cow concert?
A: Moosic!
Fun Facts
When animals graze in the pasture, they have to tear the grass by moving their heads. Cattle don’t have any cutting teeth in the front of their upper jaw, so they can’t just bite the grass off.
The rumen can hold 40 gallons – that is as big as a bathtub!
What sport uses a pigskin? Football. Many footballs are made out of cowhide, not pig skin!
Beef by-products allow us to use 99% of every beef animal.
Cattle use their tails as fly swatters.
Cattle came to America with Christopher Columbus.
Cattle spend 6 hours a day eating and 8 hours a day chewing cud.
A cow stands up and sits down about 14 times a day.
A cow drinks about 30 gallons of water per day.
Cattle can detect odors up to five miles away
Adult cattle have 32 teeth. Many people do, too.
Cow’s milk has a pH of about 6.
Cattle can see color.
A cow’s heart beats 60 – 70 times per minute.
A cow’s average body temperature is 101.5ยบ F
Hay ranks third, behind pasture and corn, as the most popular livestock feed.
There are 207 bones in a cow’s body.
INTERNET JOKES
Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, ans the baby stork is crying again. The mother says, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the crap out of college students!"
escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
This is a story in a local paper
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Quick Thinking
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking.
Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
Contest
On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down.
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate-Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the mother-in-law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
(3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(touch tones...ringing...)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of Hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sarah: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
(Long, long pause)
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, ans the baby stork is crying again. The mother says, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the crap out of college students!"
escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
This is a story in a local paper
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Quick Thinking
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking.
Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
Contest
On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down.
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate-Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the mother-in-law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
(3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(touch tones...ringing...)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of Hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sarah: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
(Long, long pause)
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.
Geometry Jokes
Geometry Jokes
1. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?
Tangent
2. What do you say when you see an empty parrot cage?
Polygon
3. What do you call a crushed angle?
A Rectangle
4. What did the Italian say when the witch doctor removed the curse?
Hexagon
5. What did the little acorn say when he grew up?
Geometry
6. What do you call an angle which is adorable?
Acute angle
7. What do you use to tie up a package?
A chord
8. What do you call a fierce beast?
A line
9. What do you call more than one L?
A parallel
10. What do you call people who are in favor of tractors?
Protractors
11. What should you do when it rains?
Coincide
1. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?
Tangent
2. What do you say when you see an empty parrot cage?
Polygon
3. What do you call a crushed angle?
A Rectangle
4. What did the Italian say when the witch doctor removed the curse?
Hexagon
5. What did the little acorn say when he grew up?
Geometry
6. What do you call an angle which is adorable?
Acute angle
7. What do you use to tie up a package?
A chord
8. What do you call a fierce beast?
A line
9. What do you call more than one L?
A parallel
10. What do you call people who are in favor of tractors?
Protractors
11. What should you do when it rains?
Coincide
CHILDREN’S JOKES: A DEVELOPMENTAL APPROACH
CHILDREN’S JOKES: A DEVELOPMENTAL APPROACH
Like any other form of cultural activity, the art of telling and understanding jokes requires a special kind of competence. Any joker needs to master culturally accepted patterns of what and when can, must and must not be ridiculous. However, what is ridiculous is not the same in children and in the grown up. Adult people have their own topics to laugh at, and their jokes contain some apparently more complicated logical devices. At the same time, we adults usually regard as silly many things that seem ridiculous to children. Taking a closer look, one can find that this “silliness” is quite logical in its own way. Schoolchildren themselves, from a certain age, start to distinguish so called “children’s jokes” which are still ridiculous for them, though already perceived as childish and silly.
The way in which the same jokes are told and understood in groups of children of different age is quite revealing. Our illustrations have been collected from tellers aged from 5 to 12. Here is one example. A 9-years-old boy is speaking to a girl of 6:
A mad man is writing a letter from a lunatic asylum: “We are living quite well here.
Recently a swimming pool has been built for us. We practice highboard dives into the pool. They say that if we don’t misbehave the pool will even be filled with water.”
The girl asks perplexed:
- Why filled with water?.... Oh, I see, so that all of them be drowned there!
She laughs, while the boy tries to explain:
- Why can’t you see! They were jumping into an empty pool!
The girl pays no attention to this remark and starts to tell another joke. She doesn’t understand the point of the boy’s joke. As she couldn’t grasp the inverted logic of the joke’s plot, she stopped to think and invented a point of her own, adducing the first seemingly plausible common-sense explanation (“so that all of them be drowned there”). The little stop before laughing, needed for a brief reflection, I would call “giraffe effect”, in accordance with an anecdotal motive of a giraffe who always laughed on the next day after having heard a joke, due to his long neck - and, correspondingly, the long way the words must do in order to be understood in the head. The understanding is insightful, it comes in a Gestalt-like type, but sometimes requires a certain effort to see something which is not evident. As we have seen, the girl did an effort and came to a result, though not very successfully.
The joke she told in her turn is long enough. In its more or less canonical version its point consists of a four-lines rhyme whose content is related to the whole of the plot. The girl did not recall the whole rhyme and took as the point of the joke only one word from the rhyme, a comic address to a policemen by the protagonist. The rest of the rhyme was not available to her memory - and may had been hardly available to her complete understanding when she heard the joke first. Since the boy knew the fuller version, he didn’t laugh.
The difference between variants of a same joke is a precious source of evidence. Sometimes the text is more or less considerably reduced by the teller. Some links are missed and, as result, the narrative coherence and wholeness of the text are lost. However, the joke seems ridiculous to the teller himself, as it is in this particular way that he or she understands and remembers the joke. That is, the joke remains funny for the teller even if the point is missed. In other cases, some minor variations can be observed. In the boy’s joke about the mad man and a swimming pool, a detail is also missed, but it is of lesser importance. This kind of variation can in some cases be interpreted as evidence for certain stages of mastering the jokes’ humour.
As for the structural reduction of a joke, it can be caused not only by an incomplete understanding of the plot. Sometimes, one remembers the story, but cannot reproduce the text literally. Thus, if the point consists of an original play of words (or a rhyme, as it is often in children’s jokes), it turns out to be badly damaged or missed. Compare the texts that follow:
a) There are four crows in a tree. One of them says: “I’ve got a cow”. Another one says: “I’ve got one hundred rubles”. The third one says: “I’ve got a watch”. The forth one says: “I haven’t got anything”.
The next day they meet again. The first crow says: “Somebody has stolen my cow”. The second one says: “Somebody has stolen my money”. The third one says: “My watch has also been stolen”. The fourth one says (singing a rhyme with the first line from an ABBA’s song): “Money, money, money, / one hundred rubles in my pocket, / it’s half past one, / it’s time to milk my cow”.
The same joke in a 5-year-old boy’s version goes like this:
b) There were two crows in a tree. One of them says: “I’ve got an alarm-clock”. Another one says: “I’ve got a sofa”. The third one says: “I’ve got a house”. Later they meet and the first one says: “I’ve got no alarm-clock”. The second says: “I’ve got no sofa”. The third one comes and says: “I’ve got a house, a sofa, and an alarm-clock.”
The distinction made in classical rhetoric between the figures of speech and the figures of thought can be in a way applied to jokes. When the exact words are replaced with synonyms, a figure of thought remains intact, whereas a figure of speech is broken down. If the jokes built on a pun are told in such way that the pun in removed, as the 5-year-old boy’s version, this means that the teller, although understanding the story itself, does not quite understand the point. Compared to those who tell the joke correctly, he laughs at something different.
This fact is a good illustration of an idea once explicitly formulated by Lev Vygotsky: the meaning comes from outside. First is a form of activity; the understanding of its meaning comes later. Everybody is sure to remember from his own experience that the little ones often learn verses by heart without understanding the exact meaning of the words and even misconceive the sentences’ division into words. Some day they attain a right understanding, and it comes in form of insight. But the lack of understanding does not impede recitation - or jokes telling and laughing at them. The understanding of the meaning of a joke starts from a shared activity, from a joint laughter in a company. It is to turn one day into the laughter at the joke’s point.
It means that only a competent listener can evaluate the reductions and transformations as damaging the coherence and the wholeness of a text. The wholeness depends on the general orientation of the text towards its logical end containing the point of the joke. The point is the base of all periphrastic transformations which bring about synonymic but equally valid versions. Unlike adults, children laugh readily at familiar jokes and their variants, with a sort of “a joy of recognition”. All the more vivid is their reaction on unsatisfactory versions. The variants where something is affected which is important to the right functioning of the text are immediately detected by competent listeners as not ridiculous (for instance, in the form of an offensive question directed to the teller: “When must we start laughing?”).
It can seem that the amplification of a text (when the teller adds some details from his own fantasy) is not so harmful as reduction or change of some elements, and even makes the story more entertaining. Nevertheless, the teller’s additions usually contrast to other parts of the text and the denouement - except the cases when the additions are placed in special zones where the teller’s fantasy is welcome and appreciated. I would label as “points of growth” such zones where the amplification is acceptable (acceptable up to the connection with another plot in a chain-like mode). Of course, the amplification is limited by a competent listener’s intuitive sense of proportion between what is said and how many words are used. The genre of joke is laconic enough.
Here we are mainly interested in the amplifications which deteriorate the joke, when the teller adds some details not only redundant, but also spoiling the result, going
against the laconic proportion I have just mentioned. In the example that follows we can see both types of amplification:
A king says: “I‘ll give my daughter, two sacks of gold and half of my kingdom to the man who will cross an enchanted wood”. So, a German runs and runs and runs, and suddenly sees a falcon who says: “Stranger, do you want me to give you a wise hint?” - “Get out of here, leave me alone”. He goes farther and sees a field full of the dead who have resurrected. In a moment he flees away horrified. The same story with a Pole. Here comes a Russian. “Stranger, do you want me to give you a wise hint?” - “Yes”- “If you meet an evil spirit, ask him: “What do you want, the evil one?”” So, the Russian asks when sees the field of the dead: “What do you want, the evil one?”” Everything disappears immediately. He goes on and sees another field, full of bleeding octopuses. He is swimming in blood, some invisible hands are strangling him. “What do you want, the evil one?”” Everything disappears immediately. And then he sees a very-very white hand showing out from a bush; it looks as if somebody very weak has died. “What do you want, the evil one?”” - “A piece of pa-a-a-per! I’ve been sitting here since two years ago!”
Here the description of the horrors seen by the heroes is completely up to the teller’s fantasy. He puts the bloody octopuses this time and, say, angry robots that time. It doesn’t really matter: the better is the teller’s art, the more interesting becomes the story due to these details. But some details appear here as redundant elements that have nothing to do with the point and even make it less amusing, as would note a competent listener: “a very-very white” (about the hand), “it looks as if somebody very weak has died”, “I’ve been sitting here since two years ago!”
The interviews have shown that many of the younger listeners (and tellers) who laugh much at this joke have no idea about what is the piece of paper needed for. Russian adults and the elder children understand without any place for doubt that the piece of paper is to be used as toilet paper by the person sitting in the bush. But to laugh, it is not necessary to know what is the paper for.
Even more interesting is the fact that the explanation about the purpose of the paper use by the bush-sitter makes the joke more ridiculous only to the elder children who grasp immediately the true point of the story when it is explained. The younger ones take this information seriously, but cannot link it with the general meaning of the text and do not start to laugh.
That is to say that along the way from laughing in company to laughing at the true point of a joke, we can trace three stages in the mastering of the meaning: first, there is neither understanding nor way to explain; second, no understanding, but it is possible to explain; third, a complete competence and no need to explain. The version cited above was collected from a second stage informer, after the explanation concerning the activity of the bush-sitter and the use of the paper. Nevertheless, we find in the text some redundant details. They are redundant only from a completely competent point of view, because they add comism only for those listeners who don’t understand the use of the piece of paper. Such superfluous amplifications added naively to increase the comic effect by second stage tellers usually contain hyperbolas, possibly the most primitive form of comism.
A complete competence means that the redundant elements fade away. Thus, the texts have a kind of interior mechanism intended to restore the distorted versions. That is why a more or less commonly recognised invariants do persist in spite of a broad exchange of distorted variants charged with redundant details. In case if the proposed variations are convincing and do not affect the wholeness of the text, several equally valid variants appear, often reproducing the same plot in a new environment and with new actors.
We will not dwell here on the semantic structure of jokes and on the question whether any specific structural features exist that distinguish children’s jokes from the adults’ ones. It is a big task to elaborate a semantic system for representation of joke’s structure and it is not yet completed. However, there are several reasons to suppose that children’s and adults’ jokes are built with principally the same devices, though the object of laughter and some functions of jokes-telling differ. An important difference is the fact that in adults the jokes often are told in a right place and a right time, when the content of the joke is related to a real situation like a proverb would be. This seems to be practically absent in children. Let us turn to some functions of children’s jokes in order to see why it is necessary to understand the point of jokes - and why it is not enough to laugh in company without any real understanding.
It is the wit that is required to see something as ridiculous, both in life and in a joke. This ability supposes, first, a sort of emotional distance from the situation (as it was cleverly observed by Henry Bergson) and, second, a move of the frame of the usual context of perception, due to which an actor turns into a character, or personage.
To be taken as ridiculous, a situation first of all should be seen as contradicting to a norm - and this contradiction being extremely exaggerated can be quite enough for children to laugh (Kornei Chukovsky called it “the children’s trend to topsy-turvy”).
In order to put the contradiction explicitly on the foreground, it must be expressed as a part of a usual way of things, as a norm: a personage is naively acting as a fool, he is not aware of the contradiction. But we, spectators, are. We, spectators, do recognise his foolery and laugh at his naivety from our own, non-naive point of view. As Sigmund Freud has remarked, “the naive is analogous to a joke in its text and its content”. A great many of illustrations can be found in Chuklovsky’s book, where the observations on children’s behaviour and speech are very amusing and match with models of jokes about children (a subgenre of adult jokes).
It can be said that in those cases when there is neither primitive “mechanisation of life” (an important source of comism, according to Bergson), nor evident topsy-turvy, and there is instead a foolish act naively performed as if it was all right, in such cases the ability to see a situation as ridiculous requires an idea about the naive point of view of the personage. Meanwhile, it is a highly problematic for a child to imagine another point of view. Children’s egocentrism which according to Jean Piaget is the main characteristic of infantile thought is being gradually overcome while growing up. Chukovsky has a brilliant illustration of the initial phase of this long way: a two-year-old boy, when feeling offended, announces in a threatening tone: “Now I’ll put you in the dark!” And shuts his eyes, being sure that the whole world is plunging in the darkness.
The naivety of the point of view of a joke’s protagonist is a considerable help: this point of view is simpler than one’s own. You have an advantage not to be a fool, you are not so naive as the protagonist. Note that the art of laughing at the naive is very useful to the one who often finds himself in a situation of being naive compared to wise adult people around him.
Although children’s humour, both ready-made and occasional, has no such elaborated technique of ambiguous hint as the adult humour has, and makes instead an extensive use of exaggerations, topsy-turvy, primitive “mechanisation of the living”, an ambiguity is anyway the foundation of joking as a form of behaviour. Where does the ambiguity come from?
The prototypic scheme of joke and fooling is: “a provocation > a reaction to the provocation > a message “It is not serious, it is but a joke!””. This is the pattern of verbal or non-verbal play among children or between children and adults. Thus, a 6-year-old girl says to her parents: “What a nuisance that you are!” And after a little silence comments: “It is a joke” and laughs. It is a typical egocentric joke, because the form of the provocation is not explicitly motivated for the listeners. In such cases the adults usually laugh not at the joke, but at the joker’s silliness.
On the next stage of the development of occasional humour from playful provocation under the veil of naivety, the provocation begins to be related to the context of situation. Thus, a 7-year-old boy, being together with his mother and another women who has complained of a stomach-ache, says to her: “It looks like you have helminths”. As well as the girl of the previous example, he does not say it quite seriously. The boy does understand that he is saying something which is not quite acceptable to be discussed and which affects not very decent topics, but he waits for a comic effect because his provocation is made in the right place and time, and so it is motivated.
In ready-made jokes which are our main concern here, the comism is canned, already prepared for consumption, though coded. In the content of the jokes we can see what kinds of situations have already been transformed by humour - in part, because they needed laughter to be overcome. In jokes, a child turns symbolically to an actual and very familiar content: these are the psychological problems of mastering of the cultural norms and prescriptions. An observation by Bruno Bettelheim about the fairy tales can be applied to jokes too. He wrote: “the fairy tale clearly does not refer to the outer world, although it may begin realistically enough and have everyday features woven into it. The unrealistic nature of these tales (which narrow-minded rationalists object to) is an important device, because it makes obvious that the fairy tales’ concern is not useful information about the external world, but the inner processes taking place in an individual” (Bettelheim B. The Uses of Enchantment. N.Y., 1977 - p.25).
In many jokes, the relations with the authority, force and those who impose the regulations are presented in a comic light. The regulations themselves are so absurd that one can laugh at them freely; a personage can bring to the mind the father, and the lunatic asylum, a summer camp. Some protagonists are quite feasible for projection of one’s little and indefensible self.
There is a special category in children’s folklore where the alarming object is described directly - these are “horror stories” told usually in the night and intended to frighten the listener. Some of these stories give birth to jokes when their ends are changed into the ridiculous ones. They start to match with a widely used constructive device of jokes, where the actors frighten at some, say, horrible sounds or threats, and then a fearless protagonist appears to demonstrate that there were nothing to fear (e.g., a drunk man haunting a fly). In such jokes, the “horrible” content is already presented in a ridiculous form, and that is why it is not the listener, but the naive personages who frighten. Thus, in comparison to the “horror stories”, the fears and naivety are being taken over by the personages of the jokes from the users of the jokes.
The last thing we would like here to comment on is the problem of distinguishing children’s jokes from adults ones. There are many criteria and all them not very formal, and they mainly are external with respect to the form of a joke. It appears that some jokes even can have parallel lives in children and in adults. Here is an example, recorded from children:
Clinton and Eltsin are on a plane, flying over America. Clinton tears his leg off and throws it down. When flying over Russia, Eltsin tears off his hand and throws it down: “There is nothing I would refuse to give to my country!” They land. Two years later they meet again. Clinton says: “When we landed then, I saw a dog, killed it and got its leg sewn to my body. The only problem is that now when I approach a tree the leg lifts automatically”. Eltsin says: “As for me, when I got out the plane, I saw a thief who wanted to rob me. I shot him dead, took his hand and got it sewn to me. Now I go shopping with five rubles in my pocket and come back with fifty”.
The motive of theft contrasted to the declaration “There is nothing I would refuse to give to my country!” makes us suppose the existence of a politically engaged adult prototype, whereas the absurdity is attractive to children who may not be aware of political connotations of the text.
Of course, the jokes told by the grown up vary considerably depending on the educational background, age and social group of the teller. Many of so called “adult” jokes differ from children’s jokes but in the subject, the model being the same.
If we approach the form of jokes in a developmental perspective, we can find that it is a relative cognitive complexity of the construction that matters to the distinction. Setting apart the background knowledge necessary to recognise the hints in a joke, we see that the understanding of jokes requires a certain semantic operation, a logical device which can be more or less complicated. The operation may be the same, while the subject may differ: thus, we find it possible to classify some adult jokes based on a veiled mention of an obscene word along with children’s jokes (e.g., the adult plot - and the word mentioned - is related to sex, while the children’s one, to scatological sphere).
A joke is a coherent narrative, an anecdote. Its plot is compressed and reduced - sometimes up to a short dialogue - , and transformed in order to present a situation in two aspects. Combining them, a comic effect appears. To remember and retell a narrative, a “narrative competence” is required as a part of general linguistic competence. Everyone knows that children are usually bad tellers. Apart from their egocentrism (that is, specific difficulties in tuning their words up to the listeners’ minds), often we meet meagre speech, with scarce lexicon, small variety of syntax and expressive devices. Jokes with their formulaic structure allow to get over the meagre quality of speech, and at the same time invite to a theatrical improvisation, though in strictly limited zones which we labelled as “points of growth”.
Like any other form of cultural activity, the art of telling and understanding jokes requires a special kind of competence. Any joker needs to master culturally accepted patterns of what and when can, must and must not be ridiculous. However, what is ridiculous is not the same in children and in the grown up. Adult people have their own topics to laugh at, and their jokes contain some apparently more complicated logical devices. At the same time, we adults usually regard as silly many things that seem ridiculous to children. Taking a closer look, one can find that this “silliness” is quite logical in its own way. Schoolchildren themselves, from a certain age, start to distinguish so called “children’s jokes” which are still ridiculous for them, though already perceived as childish and silly.
The way in which the same jokes are told and understood in groups of children of different age is quite revealing. Our illustrations have been collected from tellers aged from 5 to 12. Here is one example. A 9-years-old boy is speaking to a girl of 6:
A mad man is writing a letter from a lunatic asylum: “We are living quite well here.
Recently a swimming pool has been built for us. We practice highboard dives into the pool. They say that if we don’t misbehave the pool will even be filled with water.”
The girl asks perplexed:
- Why filled with water?.... Oh, I see, so that all of them be drowned there!
She laughs, while the boy tries to explain:
- Why can’t you see! They were jumping into an empty pool!
The girl pays no attention to this remark and starts to tell another joke. She doesn’t understand the point of the boy’s joke. As she couldn’t grasp the inverted logic of the joke’s plot, she stopped to think and invented a point of her own, adducing the first seemingly plausible common-sense explanation (“so that all of them be drowned there”). The little stop before laughing, needed for a brief reflection, I would call “giraffe effect”, in accordance with an anecdotal motive of a giraffe who always laughed on the next day after having heard a joke, due to his long neck - and, correspondingly, the long way the words must do in order to be understood in the head. The understanding is insightful, it comes in a Gestalt-like type, but sometimes requires a certain effort to see something which is not evident. As we have seen, the girl did an effort and came to a result, though not very successfully.
The joke she told in her turn is long enough. In its more or less canonical version its point consists of a four-lines rhyme whose content is related to the whole of the plot. The girl did not recall the whole rhyme and took as the point of the joke only one word from the rhyme, a comic address to a policemen by the protagonist. The rest of the rhyme was not available to her memory - and may had been hardly available to her complete understanding when she heard the joke first. Since the boy knew the fuller version, he didn’t laugh.
The difference between variants of a same joke is a precious source of evidence. Sometimes the text is more or less considerably reduced by the teller. Some links are missed and, as result, the narrative coherence and wholeness of the text are lost. However, the joke seems ridiculous to the teller himself, as it is in this particular way that he or she understands and remembers the joke. That is, the joke remains funny for the teller even if the point is missed. In other cases, some minor variations can be observed. In the boy’s joke about the mad man and a swimming pool, a detail is also missed, but it is of lesser importance. This kind of variation can in some cases be interpreted as evidence for certain stages of mastering the jokes’ humour.
As for the structural reduction of a joke, it can be caused not only by an incomplete understanding of the plot. Sometimes, one remembers the story, but cannot reproduce the text literally. Thus, if the point consists of an original play of words (or a rhyme, as it is often in children’s jokes), it turns out to be badly damaged or missed. Compare the texts that follow:
a) There are four crows in a tree. One of them says: “I’ve got a cow”. Another one says: “I’ve got one hundred rubles”. The third one says: “I’ve got a watch”. The forth one says: “I haven’t got anything”.
The next day they meet again. The first crow says: “Somebody has stolen my cow”. The second one says: “Somebody has stolen my money”. The third one says: “My watch has also been stolen”. The fourth one says (singing a rhyme with the first line from an ABBA’s song): “Money, money, money, / one hundred rubles in my pocket, / it’s half past one, / it’s time to milk my cow”.
The same joke in a 5-year-old boy’s version goes like this:
b) There were two crows in a tree. One of them says: “I’ve got an alarm-clock”. Another one says: “I’ve got a sofa”. The third one says: “I’ve got a house”. Later they meet and the first one says: “I’ve got no alarm-clock”. The second says: “I’ve got no sofa”. The third one comes and says: “I’ve got a house, a sofa, and an alarm-clock.”
The distinction made in classical rhetoric between the figures of speech and the figures of thought can be in a way applied to jokes. When the exact words are replaced with synonyms, a figure of thought remains intact, whereas a figure of speech is broken down. If the jokes built on a pun are told in such way that the pun in removed, as the 5-year-old boy’s version, this means that the teller, although understanding the story itself, does not quite understand the point. Compared to those who tell the joke correctly, he laughs at something different.
This fact is a good illustration of an idea once explicitly formulated by Lev Vygotsky: the meaning comes from outside. First is a form of activity; the understanding of its meaning comes later. Everybody is sure to remember from his own experience that the little ones often learn verses by heart without understanding the exact meaning of the words and even misconceive the sentences’ division into words. Some day they attain a right understanding, and it comes in form of insight. But the lack of understanding does not impede recitation - or jokes telling and laughing at them. The understanding of the meaning of a joke starts from a shared activity, from a joint laughter in a company. It is to turn one day into the laughter at the joke’s point.
It means that only a competent listener can evaluate the reductions and transformations as damaging the coherence and the wholeness of a text. The wholeness depends on the general orientation of the text towards its logical end containing the point of the joke. The point is the base of all periphrastic transformations which bring about synonymic but equally valid versions. Unlike adults, children laugh readily at familiar jokes and their variants, with a sort of “a joy of recognition”. All the more vivid is their reaction on unsatisfactory versions. The variants where something is affected which is important to the right functioning of the text are immediately detected by competent listeners as not ridiculous (for instance, in the form of an offensive question directed to the teller: “When must we start laughing?”).
It can seem that the amplification of a text (when the teller adds some details from his own fantasy) is not so harmful as reduction or change of some elements, and even makes the story more entertaining. Nevertheless, the teller’s additions usually contrast to other parts of the text and the denouement - except the cases when the additions are placed in special zones where the teller’s fantasy is welcome and appreciated. I would label as “points of growth” such zones where the amplification is acceptable (acceptable up to the connection with another plot in a chain-like mode). Of course, the amplification is limited by a competent listener’s intuitive sense of proportion between what is said and how many words are used. The genre of joke is laconic enough.
Here we are mainly interested in the amplifications which deteriorate the joke, when the teller adds some details not only redundant, but also spoiling the result, going
against the laconic proportion I have just mentioned. In the example that follows we can see both types of amplification:
A king says: “I‘ll give my daughter, two sacks of gold and half of my kingdom to the man who will cross an enchanted wood”. So, a German runs and runs and runs, and suddenly sees a falcon who says: “Stranger, do you want me to give you a wise hint?” - “Get out of here, leave me alone”. He goes farther and sees a field full of the dead who have resurrected. In a moment he flees away horrified. The same story with a Pole. Here comes a Russian. “Stranger, do you want me to give you a wise hint?” - “Yes”- “If you meet an evil spirit, ask him: “What do you want, the evil one?”” So, the Russian asks when sees the field of the dead: “What do you want, the evil one?”” Everything disappears immediately. He goes on and sees another field, full of bleeding octopuses. He is swimming in blood, some invisible hands are strangling him. “What do you want, the evil one?”” Everything disappears immediately. And then he sees a very-very white hand showing out from a bush; it looks as if somebody very weak has died. “What do you want, the evil one?”” - “A piece of pa-a-a-per! I’ve been sitting here since two years ago!”
Here the description of the horrors seen by the heroes is completely up to the teller’s fantasy. He puts the bloody octopuses this time and, say, angry robots that time. It doesn’t really matter: the better is the teller’s art, the more interesting becomes the story due to these details. But some details appear here as redundant elements that have nothing to do with the point and even make it less amusing, as would note a competent listener: “a very-very white” (about the hand), “it looks as if somebody very weak has died”, “I’ve been sitting here since two years ago!”
The interviews have shown that many of the younger listeners (and tellers) who laugh much at this joke have no idea about what is the piece of paper needed for. Russian adults and the elder children understand without any place for doubt that the piece of paper is to be used as toilet paper by the person sitting in the bush. But to laugh, it is not necessary to know what is the paper for.
Even more interesting is the fact that the explanation about the purpose of the paper use by the bush-sitter makes the joke more ridiculous only to the elder children who grasp immediately the true point of the story when it is explained. The younger ones take this information seriously, but cannot link it with the general meaning of the text and do not start to laugh.
That is to say that along the way from laughing in company to laughing at the true point of a joke, we can trace three stages in the mastering of the meaning: first, there is neither understanding nor way to explain; second, no understanding, but it is possible to explain; third, a complete competence and no need to explain. The version cited above was collected from a second stage informer, after the explanation concerning the activity of the bush-sitter and the use of the paper. Nevertheless, we find in the text some redundant details. They are redundant only from a completely competent point of view, because they add comism only for those listeners who don’t understand the use of the piece of paper. Such superfluous amplifications added naively to increase the comic effect by second stage tellers usually contain hyperbolas, possibly the most primitive form of comism.
A complete competence means that the redundant elements fade away. Thus, the texts have a kind of interior mechanism intended to restore the distorted versions. That is why a more or less commonly recognised invariants do persist in spite of a broad exchange of distorted variants charged with redundant details. In case if the proposed variations are convincing and do not affect the wholeness of the text, several equally valid variants appear, often reproducing the same plot in a new environment and with new actors.
We will not dwell here on the semantic structure of jokes and on the question whether any specific structural features exist that distinguish children’s jokes from the adults’ ones. It is a big task to elaborate a semantic system for representation of joke’s structure and it is not yet completed. However, there are several reasons to suppose that children’s and adults’ jokes are built with principally the same devices, though the object of laughter and some functions of jokes-telling differ. An important difference is the fact that in adults the jokes often are told in a right place and a right time, when the content of the joke is related to a real situation like a proverb would be. This seems to be practically absent in children. Let us turn to some functions of children’s jokes in order to see why it is necessary to understand the point of jokes - and why it is not enough to laugh in company without any real understanding.
It is the wit that is required to see something as ridiculous, both in life and in a joke. This ability supposes, first, a sort of emotional distance from the situation (as it was cleverly observed by Henry Bergson) and, second, a move of the frame of the usual context of perception, due to which an actor turns into a character, or personage.
To be taken as ridiculous, a situation first of all should be seen as contradicting to a norm - and this contradiction being extremely exaggerated can be quite enough for children to laugh (Kornei Chukovsky called it “the children’s trend to topsy-turvy”).
In order to put the contradiction explicitly on the foreground, it must be expressed as a part of a usual way of things, as a norm: a personage is naively acting as a fool, he is not aware of the contradiction. But we, spectators, are. We, spectators, do recognise his foolery and laugh at his naivety from our own, non-naive point of view. As Sigmund Freud has remarked, “the naive is analogous to a joke in its text and its content”. A great many of illustrations can be found in Chuklovsky’s book, where the observations on children’s behaviour and speech are very amusing and match with models of jokes about children (a subgenre of adult jokes).
It can be said that in those cases when there is neither primitive “mechanisation of life” (an important source of comism, according to Bergson), nor evident topsy-turvy, and there is instead a foolish act naively performed as if it was all right, in such cases the ability to see a situation as ridiculous requires an idea about the naive point of view of the personage. Meanwhile, it is a highly problematic for a child to imagine another point of view. Children’s egocentrism which according to Jean Piaget is the main characteristic of infantile thought is being gradually overcome while growing up. Chukovsky has a brilliant illustration of the initial phase of this long way: a two-year-old boy, when feeling offended, announces in a threatening tone: “Now I’ll put you in the dark!” And shuts his eyes, being sure that the whole world is plunging in the darkness.
The naivety of the point of view of a joke’s protagonist is a considerable help: this point of view is simpler than one’s own. You have an advantage not to be a fool, you are not so naive as the protagonist. Note that the art of laughing at the naive is very useful to the one who often finds himself in a situation of being naive compared to wise adult people around him.
Although children’s humour, both ready-made and occasional, has no such elaborated technique of ambiguous hint as the adult humour has, and makes instead an extensive use of exaggerations, topsy-turvy, primitive “mechanisation of the living”, an ambiguity is anyway the foundation of joking as a form of behaviour. Where does the ambiguity come from?
The prototypic scheme of joke and fooling is: “a provocation > a reaction to the provocation > a message “It is not serious, it is but a joke!””. This is the pattern of verbal or non-verbal play among children or between children and adults. Thus, a 6-year-old girl says to her parents: “What a nuisance that you are!” And after a little silence comments: “It is a joke” and laughs. It is a typical egocentric joke, because the form of the provocation is not explicitly motivated for the listeners. In such cases the adults usually laugh not at the joke, but at the joker’s silliness.
On the next stage of the development of occasional humour from playful provocation under the veil of naivety, the provocation begins to be related to the context of situation. Thus, a 7-year-old boy, being together with his mother and another women who has complained of a stomach-ache, says to her: “It looks like you have helminths”. As well as the girl of the previous example, he does not say it quite seriously. The boy does understand that he is saying something which is not quite acceptable to be discussed and which affects not very decent topics, but he waits for a comic effect because his provocation is made in the right place and time, and so it is motivated.
In ready-made jokes which are our main concern here, the comism is canned, already prepared for consumption, though coded. In the content of the jokes we can see what kinds of situations have already been transformed by humour - in part, because they needed laughter to be overcome. In jokes, a child turns symbolically to an actual and very familiar content: these are the psychological problems of mastering of the cultural norms and prescriptions. An observation by Bruno Bettelheim about the fairy tales can be applied to jokes too. He wrote: “the fairy tale clearly does not refer to the outer world, although it may begin realistically enough and have everyday features woven into it. The unrealistic nature of these tales (which narrow-minded rationalists object to) is an important device, because it makes obvious that the fairy tales’ concern is not useful information about the external world, but the inner processes taking place in an individual” (Bettelheim B. The Uses of Enchantment. N.Y., 1977 - p.25).
In many jokes, the relations with the authority, force and those who impose the regulations are presented in a comic light. The regulations themselves are so absurd that one can laugh at them freely; a personage can bring to the mind the father, and the lunatic asylum, a summer camp. Some protagonists are quite feasible for projection of one’s little and indefensible self.
There is a special category in children’s folklore where the alarming object is described directly - these are “horror stories” told usually in the night and intended to frighten the listener. Some of these stories give birth to jokes when their ends are changed into the ridiculous ones. They start to match with a widely used constructive device of jokes, where the actors frighten at some, say, horrible sounds or threats, and then a fearless protagonist appears to demonstrate that there were nothing to fear (e.g., a drunk man haunting a fly). In such jokes, the “horrible” content is already presented in a ridiculous form, and that is why it is not the listener, but the naive personages who frighten. Thus, in comparison to the “horror stories”, the fears and naivety are being taken over by the personages of the jokes from the users of the jokes.
The last thing we would like here to comment on is the problem of distinguishing children’s jokes from adults ones. There are many criteria and all them not very formal, and they mainly are external with respect to the form of a joke. It appears that some jokes even can have parallel lives in children and in adults. Here is an example, recorded from children:
Clinton and Eltsin are on a plane, flying over America. Clinton tears his leg off and throws it down. When flying over Russia, Eltsin tears off his hand and throws it down: “There is nothing I would refuse to give to my country!” They land. Two years later they meet again. Clinton says: “When we landed then, I saw a dog, killed it and got its leg sewn to my body. The only problem is that now when I approach a tree the leg lifts automatically”. Eltsin says: “As for me, when I got out the plane, I saw a thief who wanted to rob me. I shot him dead, took his hand and got it sewn to me. Now I go shopping with five rubles in my pocket and come back with fifty”.
The motive of theft contrasted to the declaration “There is nothing I would refuse to give to my country!” makes us suppose the existence of a politically engaged adult prototype, whereas the absurdity is attractive to children who may not be aware of political connotations of the text.
Of course, the jokes told by the grown up vary considerably depending on the educational background, age and social group of the teller. Many of so called “adult” jokes differ from children’s jokes but in the subject, the model being the same.
If we approach the form of jokes in a developmental perspective, we can find that it is a relative cognitive complexity of the construction that matters to the distinction. Setting apart the background knowledge necessary to recognise the hints in a joke, we see that the understanding of jokes requires a certain semantic operation, a logical device which can be more or less complicated. The operation may be the same, while the subject may differ: thus, we find it possible to classify some adult jokes based on a veiled mention of an obscene word along with children’s jokes (e.g., the adult plot - and the word mentioned - is related to sex, while the children’s one, to scatological sphere).
A joke is a coherent narrative, an anecdote. Its plot is compressed and reduced - sometimes up to a short dialogue - , and transformed in order to present a situation in two aspects. Combining them, a comic effect appears. To remember and retell a narrative, a “narrative competence” is required as a part of general linguistic competence. Everyone knows that children are usually bad tellers. Apart from their egocentrism (that is, specific difficulties in tuning their words up to the listeners’ minds), often we meet meagre speech, with scarce lexicon, small variety of syntax and expressive devices. Jokes with their formulaic structure allow to get over the meagre quality of speech, and at the same time invite to a theatrical improvisation, though in strictly limited zones which we labelled as “points of growth”.
MEDICAL JOKES
Joke ____1
A few days before his proctological examination, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the surgery, the man followed the doctor’s instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him.
You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
Joke ____2
Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.
The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to the pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.
A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.
The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.
A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.
The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours."
So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."
Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."
The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine, but Jim had suffocated in that plastic bag."
Joke ____3
A guy walks into an ear doctor's office, "Doc I can't hear a thing out of my right ear." The doctor says, "Let me get my otoscope and have a look."
He gets his ear light and looks in the guy's ear and then somewhat bewildered and scratching his head says, "Man! You have a suppository in your ear."
"A SUPPOSITORY!" exclaimed the man.
"Thank God! Now I know where my hearing aid is!"
Joke ____4
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've let off wind at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me. My wind is still silent, but now it stinks terribly."
"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Joke ____5
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
"Rats, I forgot my glasses again."
"Hey bring that bone back!! Bad dog!"
"Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."
"And now we place the ape's brain in the subject's body."
"What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?"
"Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie."
Joke ____6
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old woman, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.
"All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "It's my aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
Joke ____7
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Joke ____8
An elderly man complains to his wife about feeling a little worse for wear and after a lot of persuasion agrees to go and see a doctor. The doctor examines him and asks the man to return a few days later for the results.
The doctor turns to the patient and says, "I have some good news and some bad news for you. The bad news is that you have terminal cancer, polio and have tested HIV positive. But the good news is you also have Alzheimer’s disease so in about 10 seconds you'll have completely forgotten about it."
"Ooh good" said the patient. "What was the bad news then?"
Joke ____9
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I have left you some money in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
"Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
Joke ____10
There was a guy in hospital that was scheduled for surgery. On the morning of his operation he starts yelling that he wants coffee. The nurse comes in and asks him to be quiet, as he is disturbing the other patients.
"But I've had coffee every morning for forty years and I want a cup of coffee NOW!" he screamed.
The nurse quickly and silently counts to ten and replies, "Now sir, you realize that you are due to go into surgery in an hour and you can't have anything on your stomach. Couldn't you do without coffee just this once?"
The guy starts to shout even more and the doctor comes in to see what is the matter with the patient. The nurse explains the situation to him and the doctor turns to the man in bed in front of him and says, "You understand that you can't have anything in your stomach before surgery, don't you?"
"I don't care. I. Want. Some. Coffee!!!!"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Very well. I'll tell you what; the only way we can give you any coffee is through an enema. Would that make you happy?"
The guy pauses and replies, "Well, if that's the only way I can get any coffee around here..."
So the doctor tells the nurse to give the guy a coffee enema to keep him quiet. The nurse returns with an enema bag and a fresh pot of hot coffee.
She pours it into the bag, greases up the applicator and sticks it up the guy's ass. "Ah, hot coffee!" the guy says with a satisfied tone.
All of a sudden he starts complaining again. "What's the matter this time?" the nurse yells.
"It's too sweet!" the guy replies.
Medical jokes vocabulary
Match the halves to make common medical collocations from the texts
Ill examination
A sex limbs
The medical positive
Terminal cancer
HIV term/ terminology
A proctological effects
Reattaching change
Find words and expressions in the texts meaning:
Die due to lack of air
A tablet that put someone other than your mouth
Air channels near the top of your nose, that sometimes give people headaches when they get colds etc.
A few days before his proctological examination, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the surgery, the man followed the doctor’s instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him.
You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
Joke ____2
Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.
The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to the pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.
A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.
The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.
A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.
The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours."
So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."
Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."
The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine, but Jim had suffocated in that plastic bag."
Joke ____3
A guy walks into an ear doctor's office, "Doc I can't hear a thing out of my right ear." The doctor says, "Let me get my otoscope and have a look."
He gets his ear light and looks in the guy's ear and then somewhat bewildered and scratching his head says, "Man! You have a suppository in your ear."
"A SUPPOSITORY!" exclaimed the man.
"Thank God! Now I know where my hearing aid is!"
Joke ____4
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've let off wind at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me. My wind is still silent, but now it stinks terribly."
"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Joke ____5
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
"Rats, I forgot my glasses again."
"Hey bring that bone back!! Bad dog!"
"Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."
"And now we place the ape's brain in the subject's body."
"What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?"
"Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie."
Joke ____6
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old woman, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.
"All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "It's my aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
Joke ____7
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Joke ____8
An elderly man complains to his wife about feeling a little worse for wear and after a lot of persuasion agrees to go and see a doctor. The doctor examines him and asks the man to return a few days later for the results.
The doctor turns to the patient and says, "I have some good news and some bad news for you. The bad news is that you have terminal cancer, polio and have tested HIV positive. But the good news is you also have Alzheimer’s disease so in about 10 seconds you'll have completely forgotten about it."
"Ooh good" said the patient. "What was the bad news then?"
Joke ____9
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I have left you some money in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
"Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
Joke ____10
There was a guy in hospital that was scheduled for surgery. On the morning of his operation he starts yelling that he wants coffee. The nurse comes in and asks him to be quiet, as he is disturbing the other patients.
"But I've had coffee every morning for forty years and I want a cup of coffee NOW!" he screamed.
The nurse quickly and silently counts to ten and replies, "Now sir, you realize that you are due to go into surgery in an hour and you can't have anything on your stomach. Couldn't you do without coffee just this once?"
The guy starts to shout even more and the doctor comes in to see what is the matter with the patient. The nurse explains the situation to him and the doctor turns to the man in bed in front of him and says, "You understand that you can't have anything in your stomach before surgery, don't you?"
"I don't care. I. Want. Some. Coffee!!!!"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Very well. I'll tell you what; the only way we can give you any coffee is through an enema. Would that make you happy?"
The guy pauses and replies, "Well, if that's the only way I can get any coffee around here..."
So the doctor tells the nurse to give the guy a coffee enema to keep him quiet. The nurse returns with an enema bag and a fresh pot of hot coffee.
She pours it into the bag, greases up the applicator and sticks it up the guy's ass. "Ah, hot coffee!" the guy says with a satisfied tone.
All of a sudden he starts complaining again. "What's the matter this time?" the nurse yells.
"It's too sweet!" the guy replies.
Medical jokes vocabulary
Match the halves to make common medical collocations from the texts
Ill examination
A sex limbs
The medical positive
Terminal cancer
HIV term/ terminology
A proctological effects
Reattaching change
Find words and expressions in the texts meaning:
Die due to lack of air
A tablet that put someone other than your mouth
Air channels near the top of your nose, that sometimes give people headaches when they get colds etc.
Sunderland Jokes
The Fire Brigade ring Mick McCarthy in the middle of the night “Mr McCarthy sir, the Stadium of Light is on fire”, “The cups man, save the cups” cries Mick. “Uh” replies the foreman “the fire hasn’t reached the canteen yet.
Mick McCarthy went to the Sunderland Christmas party dressed as a pumpkin, come midnight he still hadn’t turned into a coach.
What’s the difference between a Sunderland fan and a computer.
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
An old man hands over £50 to the turn style operator at the Stadium of light “two please”. “Would that be strikers or defenders”.
I’m glad to report that a new red and white oxo cube will be introduced next year, it will be called laughing stock.
Two men are walking through a cemetery when they happen upon a tombstone that read – “Hear lies John Sweeney a good man and a Sunderland fan.” So, one of them asked the other “when did they start putting two men in one grave.”
Two men are out fishing in a remote area when one man says to the other “I see Sunderland have lost again” The other man was flabbergasted “how did you know”
“well its quarter to five”.
After another poor start to the season a Sunderland fan who had finally had enough nailed his season ticket to the gates of The Stadium of Light. The next day he had a change of heart and returned for it, unfortunately somebody had stolen the nail.
A man goes into a pub with a crocodile under his arm
“Do you serve Sunderland fans in here”
“Certainly sir”, answers the nervous barman.
“Good a pint for me and a Sunderland fan for the crocodile”
A source from Camelot recently revealed that a Sunderland fan had won the lottery.
The lucky man was delighted to announce that he had spent his winnings buying a
New player for his beloved Sunderland.
“If my three numbers come up again and I win another tenner” he added “I will gladly
buy them another.
Mick McCarthy went to the Sunderland Christmas party dressed as a pumpkin, come midnight he still hadn’t turned into a coach.
What’s the difference between a Sunderland fan and a computer.
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
An old man hands over £50 to the turn style operator at the Stadium of light “two please”. “Would that be strikers or defenders”.
I’m glad to report that a new red and white oxo cube will be introduced next year, it will be called laughing stock.
Two men are walking through a cemetery when they happen upon a tombstone that read – “Hear lies John Sweeney a good man and a Sunderland fan.” So, one of them asked the other “when did they start putting two men in one grave.”
Two men are out fishing in a remote area when one man says to the other “I see Sunderland have lost again” The other man was flabbergasted “how did you know”
“well its quarter to five”.
After another poor start to the season a Sunderland fan who had finally had enough nailed his season ticket to the gates of The Stadium of Light. The next day he had a change of heart and returned for it, unfortunately somebody had stolen the nail.
A man goes into a pub with a crocodile under his arm
“Do you serve Sunderland fans in here”
“Certainly sir”, answers the nervous barman.
“Good a pint for me and a Sunderland fan for the crocodile”
A source from Camelot recently revealed that a Sunderland fan had won the lottery.
The lucky man was delighted to announce that he had spent his winnings buying a
New player for his beloved Sunderland.
“If my three numbers come up again and I win another tenner” he added “I will gladly
buy them another.
Paraphrasing Sports Jokes
OBJECTIVE: To give the students an opportunity to develop the skill of paraphrasing.
MATERIALS: The list of sports jokes
PROCEDURE: Ask each student or group of students to take the following list of sports jokes and paraphrase them by writing them down in words other than already used.
A. Hundreds of fathers spend thousands of dollars on their sons’ higher education and only get a quarterback.
B. Only in baseball is there a real appreciation of a sacrifice.
C. Being a good sport is very noble, but you always have to lose to prove it.
D. The trouble with some golfers is that they stand too close to the ball—after they hit it.
E. Bending exercises are nothing but an example of stooping to conquer.
F. The best conditions for skiing call for a lot of white snow and a lot of Blue Cross.
G. Ducks are Mother Nature’s proof that swimming does not always improve the figure.
H. Basketball, more than any other sport, attracts the highest type of player.
I. You are over the hill when the most exercise you get is watching televised sports.
J. It’s not the minutes you take at the table that add to your weight—it’s the seconds.
K. A diet is one thing you must stick to through thick and thin.
L. There are only three things a serious dieter should put in his mouth—a knife, a fork, and a spoon.
MATERIALS: The list of sports jokes
PROCEDURE: Ask each student or group of students to take the following list of sports jokes and paraphrase them by writing them down in words other than already used.
A. Hundreds of fathers spend thousands of dollars on their sons’ higher education and only get a quarterback.
B. Only in baseball is there a real appreciation of a sacrifice.
C. Being a good sport is very noble, but you always have to lose to prove it.
D. The trouble with some golfers is that they stand too close to the ball—after they hit it.
E. Bending exercises are nothing but an example of stooping to conquer.
F. The best conditions for skiing call for a lot of white snow and a lot of Blue Cross.
G. Ducks are Mother Nature’s proof that swimming does not always improve the figure.
H. Basketball, more than any other sport, attracts the highest type of player.
I. You are over the hill when the most exercise you get is watching televised sports.
J. It’s not the minutes you take at the table that add to your weight—it’s the seconds.
K. A diet is one thing you must stick to through thick and thin.
L. There are only three things a serious dieter should put in his mouth—a knife, a fork, and a spoon.
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