GOLF JOKES (SPORTS JOKES )

Golf Jokes

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself. Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian. Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees"!!

A friend of ours was playing in a tournament in Florida last fall. For eighteen holes, his caddy had been cackling and snickering after every shot that he took. Fed up with the not-so-subtle criticism, he finally threw his putter at the caddy and snapped, "You must be the worst caddy in the world." The caddy grinned, "That, sir, would be too great of a coincidence."

A golfer named Joe was paired with one of the club’s good players, and he was anxious to get some free advice. Hitting first, he swung awkwardly and topped his drive. "Do you see anything I can correct?" he asked. "I see you’re standing too close to the ball," the other remarked. "After you hit it."

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?" "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars. Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Jack standing next to the crashed car eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman. Jack looked up. "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my grip."

Scott was staying in a tiny hotel on a small Caribbean island and decided to play a round of golf at the local club course. He was assigned a caddy who carried the bag over one shoulder and a gun over the other. Scott, a little unsettled by seeing the rifle, hooked his first tee shot into the rough. When he went to take his second shot, an alligator charged him, but quick as a flash, the caddy shot the animal dead in his tracks. On the second tee, Scott again drove into the rough, where another alligator darted out to attack him. Once again, the caddy shot in the nick of time. On the third hole, Scott's iron shot from the fairway rolled into some mud right next to a sleeping alligator. Scott looked expectantly at his caddy, who made no move to unshoulder the rifle. "Aren't you going to take care of the alligator?" asked Scott. The caddy shook his head, "No extra shots on a par 3."

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forget."

Warnings for Baaaaaad Golfers


WARNING #1 -- GOLF-I-TIS


Golf-i-tis attack? Most often attacks adult males, but the female is not immune. Appears in Spring with the first melting of snow, increases in severity during Summer months, and disappears only after heavy snow.

SYMPTOMS: Patient complains of shut-in feelings, expresses desire for fresh air, sunshine and relaxation. Seems immune in Spring rains, Summer heat, Autumn gales, has yearning for tee and greens. Swings any long handled object like umbrella, cane or poker with an absent mindedness that might prove dangerous. Has no desire for work especially in afternoon. Shudders at sight of lawn mower. Goes into rage if wife asks for car. Mumbles to self about bogies, birdies, hooks and slices.

TREATMENT: Permit as much outdoor freedom as possible. Keep sport shirts always in readiness. Never invite guests for Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Rarely fatal, although it has made more widows than any other known disease. Joining Golf Club should prove helpful.