A kid was beaten up by his mom..
Dad came n asked "what happnd son?"
Kid said "I can't adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own!"
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry...'s bar?"
I went to bangcok for a testicle operation. as the lady cupped my balls in a pot she said 'dont worry its perfectly normal to get an erection'. i said 'but i havnt got one'. she replied 'i know but i have'
A zebra dies and goes to heaven,wen it arives at heaven,it askd Peter this question,am i white with blck stripes,or im i blck with white stripes,Peter said go ask God,the zebra went and askd God the same question?God said,you are what u are,the zebra went back 2 Peter,Peter said,did u get wat u were looking for,the zeb...ra said no,God told me this,u are what you are,Peter said,well,you are white with blck stripes,the zebra asked,how do u know,Peter said,if u were blck with white stripes,God would have said,You is what u is
Man to young woman at a ball: "Whenever i dance with you,the music lasts only a short time..
Woman: "No wonder.The band leader is my fiancé.."
A lawyer is
standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair
of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns
around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a
chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in
... line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in
front of me, do you?"
Teacher: John, if u had R1 and ask ur father 4 another R1, how mch wud u have.
John: R1 ma'am.
Teacher: U dnt knw ur maths John.
John: U dnt knw my father ma'am.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Collection of Photos for Visit Nepal 2011
Pashupati Temple Address one of the holiest place of hindu Nepalese Hindu women perform rituals for the Hindu god Lord Shiva, the god of destruction, at the Pashupati temple in Kathmandu wallpapers of pashu pati nath screensavers of pashupati nath historical place of nepal
Best Picture Gallery - a picture gallery of some of the web's best pictures Mount Everest, Nepal, by celia chang Mount Everest, Nepal, with Nuptse Mount Everest, Nepal, from Kala Patthar Mount Everest, Nepal, with panorama of Himalayas Mount Everest, Nepal, with prayer flags mount Everest Photo Gallery, Sagarmatha screen saver
dolpa
gosikunda
helumbu
kanchenjanga
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Girl sends a text to 4 guys from school that she likes
Girl sends a text to 4 guys from school that she likes. The text said, "What would we be doing if I were with you right now?" Guy #1 says...
Age 3 -- Boy kisses girl. Parents: "Awwww. That's so cute" *Takes picture*
Age 16 -- Boy kisses girl. Dad: "Get the hell away from my daughter!!!!!" *Loads shotgun*
One spelling mistake can destroy your life.
A Husband sent this to his wife:I'm having a wonderful time wish you were her."
Wife: If i become fat and ugly will you leave me?
Husband starts laughing.
Wife: WHAT?!
Husband: Im still here arent i?
Age 6:
lil sis: *crying
big bro: " aww whats wrong?"
little sister: " I got a owwy"
Age: 15
lilsis: *crying
big bro:alright who was it?!
lil sis: cries. (name)
big bro* loads shotgun " Be right back.."
Girl, Age 6: "Mom, you look pretty today. :)"
Mom: "Thank You! :)"
Girl, Age 16: "Mom, you look pretty today. :)"
Mom: "What do you want?"
Every girl has three guys in her life.
The one she loves.
The one she hates.
and the one she can't live without.
And in the end,
They're all the same guy.
SixFacts
1.You cannt stick your tounge out and look up at the ceiling at the same time a physical impossibility.
2.All idiots after reading #1 will try it.
3.And discover #1 is a lie.
4.You are smiling now because are an idiot.
*BOY LOGS ON*
~girl thinks~ YAY HE'S ONNNNNNNN
Girl:HEYYYYYYY
Boy:Hi
~quietness~
Boy:Do you like me?
Girl:Maybe..
Boy:TELL ME
Girl:ITS NOT IMPORTANT!
Boy:IT IS
Girl:WHY?!?!?!
Boy:CAUSE I LIKE YOU
BOYFRIEND GUIDE(:
1.When she walks away from yu mad[Follow her]
2.When she stare's at yur lips[Kiss her ]
3.When she pushes yu or hits yu[Grab her & dnt let go]
[There is more]
Boy:Why havent you had a boyfriend yet?
Girl:Im not allowed, why dont you have a girlfriend?
Boy:Cos your not allowed to have a boyfriend yet :)
age 4-9 "yay trick or treating! :D" age 10-12, "im to old an cool for trick or treating, its for kids ^_^' Age 13+ "HELL YEA FREE CANDY"
Elementary School; ew you kissed him! cooties!
Middle School; c'mon, kiss! kiss! kiss!
High School; seriously guys stop making out and get a room!
1st-5th grade- I can't wait until we get older!
6th-7th- We're so cool!
8th- GET ME OUT OF THIS SCHOOL.
9th-10th: I hate my life...
11th- Am I a senior yet...?
12th: Can I go back to Kindergarden?
For girls:
Mom can I.... NO.... Dad can I.... Sure anything for my little princess.
For boys:
Mom can I.... Sure sweety just be careful.... Dad can I.... NO NO NO NO NO....
1970: what's a computer?
1990: computer's in school!!??
2000: guess what? i have a computer!!!!
2010: MOM MY LAP TOP IS TOO SLOW!!!!!
Dear Tummy, sorry for all the butterflies. Dear Pillow, sorry for all the tears. Dear Heart, sorry for all the damage. Dear Brain, you were right
Girl: what would you do if i broke up with you?
boy: then i'd go back to my ex.
(girl cried and broke up with him)
--next day--
girl: what are you doing here??
boy: like what i said, i'd go back to my ex. so, will you take me back ?
I might hug other guys, i might laugh with other guys, i might even hang out with other guys.. but none of them will ever mean to me as much as you do.
A boy walks into kitchen to find parents having sex, the dad looks at the boy and winks. that night the father finds the boy in his bedroom having sex with his nana, the boy rolls over, winks and says "not so funny when it's your mum is it"
elementry school: mommy i have a new friend. middle school: hey mom can ____ come over? mom: yeah whos that? you: my new friend. high school: *you and your friend walk in* mom: whos that? my friend...
*bf and gf texting*
boy:are you okay?
girl:yeah..why?
boy:because you seem sad..are you lieing to me?
girl:no im fine i pinky promise.
boy:ok good
*girl thinking to herself*
i loved how you could tell i wasnt okay..i hate how you believed my lie.
when we were 8 we said "I'm rubber u are glue whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!" Now we say "Well your a ...."
fake friends:never ask for food
real friends:are the reason you have no food.
fake friends:would knock on your front door.
real friends:would knock after they let themselves in.
fake friends:last a couple years.
real friends:last forever.
Okay, so there are 10 fish. 2 die, 5 drown, 1 gets trapped in the filter, how many left? stop counting you idiot. fish cant drown.
Age,4: *little girl starts crying*
brother: Awww, wats wrong?
Sister: i got an owwy.
Age 16: *girl starts crying*
Brother: WHO THE FUCK WAS IT THIS TIME!!
Sister: *cries some more* ... (name)
Brother: IMMA FUCKING KILL THAT S.O.B
As soon as you get online, whose name do you look for first? When a slow song comes on, whose face pops up in your head? When you get a text, who do you hope it's from? Whose name makes your stomache drop when you hear it?
Age 3 -- Boy kisses girl. Parents: "Awwww. That's so cute" *Takes picture*
Age 16 -- Boy kisses girl. Dad: "Get the hell away from my daughter!!!!!" *Loads shotgun*
One spelling mistake can destroy your life.
A Husband sent this to his wife:I'm having a wonderful time wish you were her."
Wife: If i become fat and ugly will you leave me?
Husband starts laughing.
Wife: WHAT?!
Husband: Im still here arent i?
Age 6:
lil sis: *crying
big bro: " aww whats wrong?"
little sister: " I got a owwy"
Age: 15
lilsis: *crying
big bro:alright who was it?!
lil sis: cries. (name)
big bro* loads shotgun " Be right back.."
Girl, Age 6: "Mom, you look pretty today. :)"
Mom: "Thank You! :)"
Girl, Age 16: "Mom, you look pretty today. :)"
Mom: "What do you want?"
Every girl has three guys in her life.
The one she loves.
The one she hates.
and the one she can't live without.
And in the end,
They're all the same guy.
SixFacts
1.You cannt stick your tounge out and look up at the ceiling at the same time a physical impossibility.
2.All idiots after reading #1 will try it.
3.And discover #1 is a lie.
4.You are smiling now because are an idiot.
*BOY LOGS ON*
~girl thinks~ YAY HE'S ONNNNNNNN
Girl:HEYYYYYYY
Boy:Hi
~quietness~
Boy:Do you like me?
Girl:Maybe..
Boy:TELL ME
Girl:ITS NOT IMPORTANT!
Boy:IT IS
Girl:WHY?!?!?!
Boy:CAUSE I LIKE YOU
BOYFRIEND GUIDE(:
1.When she walks away from yu mad[Follow her]
2.When she stare's at yur lips[Kiss her ]
3.When she pushes yu or hits yu[Grab her & dnt let go]
[There is more]
Boy:Why havent you had a boyfriend yet?
Girl:Im not allowed, why dont you have a girlfriend?
Boy:Cos your not allowed to have a boyfriend yet :)
age 4-9 "yay trick or treating! :D" age 10-12, "im to old an cool for trick or treating, its for kids ^_^' Age 13+ "HELL YEA FREE CANDY"
Elementary School; ew you kissed him! cooties!
Middle School; c'mon, kiss! kiss! kiss!
High School; seriously guys stop making out and get a room!
1st-5th grade- I can't wait until we get older!
6th-7th- We're so cool!
8th- GET ME OUT OF THIS SCHOOL.
9th-10th: I hate my life...
11th- Am I a senior yet...?
12th: Can I go back to Kindergarden?
For girls:
Mom can I.... NO.... Dad can I.... Sure anything for my little princess.
For boys:
Mom can I.... Sure sweety just be careful.... Dad can I.... NO NO NO NO NO....
1970: what's a computer?
1990: computer's in school!!??
2000: guess what? i have a computer!!!!
2010: MOM MY LAP TOP IS TOO SLOW!!!!!
Dear Tummy, sorry for all the butterflies. Dear Pillow, sorry for all the tears. Dear Heart, sorry for all the damage. Dear Brain, you were right
Girl: what would you do if i broke up with you?
boy: then i'd go back to my ex.
(girl cried and broke up with him)
--next day--
girl: what are you doing here??
boy: like what i said, i'd go back to my ex. so, will you take me back ?
I might hug other guys, i might laugh with other guys, i might even hang out with other guys.. but none of them will ever mean to me as much as you do.
A boy walks into kitchen to find parents having sex, the dad looks at the boy and winks. that night the father finds the boy in his bedroom having sex with his nana, the boy rolls over, winks and says "not so funny when it's your mum is it"
elementry school: mommy i have a new friend. middle school: hey mom can ____ come over? mom: yeah whos that? you: my new friend. high school: *you and your friend walk in* mom: whos that? my friend...
*bf and gf texting*
boy:are you okay?
girl:yeah..why?
boy:because you seem sad..are you lieing to me?
girl:no im fine i pinky promise.
boy:ok good
*girl thinking to herself*
i loved how you could tell i wasnt okay..i hate how you believed my lie.
when we were 8 we said "I'm rubber u are glue whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!" Now we say "Well your a ...."
fake friends:never ask for food
real friends:are the reason you have no food.
fake friends:would knock on your front door.
real friends:would knock after they let themselves in.
fake friends:last a couple years.
real friends:last forever.
Okay, so there are 10 fish. 2 die, 5 drown, 1 gets trapped in the filter, how many left? stop counting you idiot. fish cant drown.
Age,4: *little girl starts crying*
brother: Awww, wats wrong?
Sister: i got an owwy.
Age 16: *girl starts crying*
Brother: WHO THE FUCK WAS IT THIS TIME!!
Sister: *cries some more* ... (name)
Brother: IMMA FUCKING KILL THAT S.O.B
As soon as you get online, whose name do you look for first? When a slow song comes on, whose face pops up in your head? When you get a text, who do you hope it's from? Whose name makes your stomache drop when you hear it?
40 marks ki kimat tum kya jano topper babu...!!! Funny Engineering jokes
Dad:Son y r u late?
Jack:Xtra Classes
Robot slapped Jack.
...Jack:Movie
Dad:Which Movie?
Jack:Bal Ganesha
Jack gets a tight slap again.
Jack:Katil Jawani
Dad:I never used 2 watch movies like this when I was ur age
Splatt, Robot slapped Dad.
Mom:After all he is ur son, he will b like u
Finally Jack's mothers gets a tight slap.
How 2 spend 3 hrs in exam hall?(2pm to 5pm)
2:00-2:10 Write d reg. no. & sub.
2:10-2:40 Read carefuly d instructions givn.
2:40-3:40 Read d que. paper twice.
...3:40-4:15 C if u undrstand any que.
4:15-4:20 Ask 4 water.
4:20-4:50 Check wether u’ve filled all d details carefuly.
Last 10 mins. relax!!!
There are 3 kinds of students...
Some make wonders happen...!
Some see wonders happen...!
Others wonder waht happened..!!!
Luv story of ENGINEER:
I ws in12
She ws in12
...
I ws doin BE
She gt BCA
I ws doinBE
She got MCA
I ws doinBE
She is doing PHD
I compltd BE
She got a DOCTRATE
She gt married
I ws preparing 4 MTECH entrnce
Shes mother of 2
I m doing my MTECh
Her daughter is in 1st
I cmpltd MTECH
Hr daughtr pasd 10th
I hav joined job
D grtst irony
Today is my ENGAGEMNT
& Hr daughtr is my WIFE
MORAL:Agle janam me Commerce lunga.
Importance of Percentage:
Boy: Tere 12th me kitne percentage the?
Girl: 97%
Boy: Baap re..itne me to kisi gareeb ke 2 bache pass ho jate...!!! :
On a ship an Engineering, MBA & MBBS students wer sailing.Suddenly a devil appeared & said "Drop smthing in2 d sea. If I find it, I'll eat u & if nt I'll be ur slave"
MBA student dropped a memory card. The devil found it & ate him. MBBS student dropped small needle, devil found it & ate him. Engineering student opened ...a water bottle & poured some water & asked devil 2 find it... Saala engineer se panga le raha tha.
2 engineering students were walking across campus when 1 said, "Where did u get such a great bike?"
The 2nd engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes & said, "Take what you want."...
The 2nd engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Kingfisher assistant: Sir, pichle 15 dino me 1 bhi bottle nahi biki.
Vijay Mallya: University me phon lagao, pucho engineering & medical ke results kab aa rahe hain.
Once a boy died & went to hell.
The devil started to punish him but failed to make him suffer.
Devil tried all the punishments but failed every time.
The devil started crying & asked how could he tolerate all these.
...He smiled & replied, "I was once an Engineering Student !"
"Each night I go to sleep, I die. Next day I wake up, I'm reborn." - M. K. Gandhi.
.
.
.
..."Each night I go to sleep, I'm reborn. Next day I wake up, I'm dead again." - Engineering Student.
Most painful situation other than 'loosing someone you love' is: when you are waiting for your friend after exam and thinking, "Saala kamina abhi tak nahi aya, lagta hai pass ho jayega saala!".
Doctors after operation & Engineering
students after the exam, both tell the same thing: "We tried our best
but cant say anything right now." ;)
I have found out what F.I.N.A.L.S. stands for = Fuck I Never Actually
Learned this Shit!
1 hand on pen, the other on phone, 1 ear on lecture, the other on
classmates, 1 eye on board, the other on crush. WHO SAID STUDENT'S LIFE IS EASY???
Once a 'constant' & 'e^x' were going together. Suddenly constant ran away saying, "Differentiation is comin...he'll destroy me."
e^x boldly stood up & told differentiation, "Even if you differentiate me, I'll still be e^x."
Differentiation laughed & said, "Dude, I'm d/dy...not d/dx"
The very acutely professional reason for making
Engineering passing range at least 40/100 is that your boss would be sure that he/she will do at least 40% of work correctly.
Special offer... Bring a chit on exam day, scratch and show
it to your nearest teacher and win free trip to Principal's office and
enjoy 3 years vacation at home.Hurry
offer valid until exams
only... :D
यमलोक यातायात सेवा
गान्टे र भुन्टे
गान्टेः तपाईँको बाबुको नाम के हो ?
भुन्टेः बाबुको नाम 'के' होईन, भवानी प्रसाद हो !!
गान्टेः के कामले पाल्नु भो होला ?
भुन्टेः भैंसी दुध खान, कुकुर घर रुङ्न पालेको !!
गान्टेः तपाईँको घडीमा कति बज्यो होला ?
भुन्टेः मेरो घडीमा बज्दैन, यसले त टायममात्र दिन्छ, बज्ने घडी त घन्टाघरमा मात्रै छ!!
गान्टेः आज यसो घुमौं न है ?
भुन्टेः नाईँ, मलाई त घुम्दा रिँगटा लाग्छ !!
गान्टेः मलाई त्यसले गाली दियो यार ।
भुन्टेः के मा राखेर ल्यायौ त ?
गान्टेः आज मलाई जरो आएको छ ।
भुन्टैः उखेलेर फ्याँकिदेउ न !!
गान्टेः जागीर खाएर आउँछु है ।
भुन्टेः थालमा कि गिलासमा खान्छौ ?
गान्टेः मैले झ्यालबाट केटाहरु स्कुल गइरहेको देखें ।
भुन्टेः झ्यालबाट !! कसैको खुट्टा भाँचिएन ?
गान्टेः म त थाकेँ यार ।
भुन्टेः कहिले ब्याएका थियौ र !!
यमलोक यातायात सेवा
सबै जना स्वर्गलोक जान चाहान्छन् तर मर्न कोही पनि चाहाँदैनन् । नमरी स्वर्ग पुगिन्न, स्वर्ग नगई मरिन्न , कस्तो अप्ठेरो होला त ! तर यमलोक जानको लागी चाहीँ सजिलो छ है । के तपाईँ यमलोकको यात्रा गर्न चाहानु हुन्छ ? यदी चाहानुन्छ भने, अभरपर्दो, अविश्वासिलो, र अछरितो यमलोक यातायात सेवालाई सम्झनोस् !
हाम्रो सेवाहरु:
(क) एउटै सिटमाथी दश जना सम्म खप्टिएर बस्न मिल्ने
(ख) बसभित्रै एयर कन्डिसनको ब्यबस्था गरिए अनुरुप गर्मीको बेला बोसो
पग्लिनेगरीको गर्मी तथा जाडोको हुने ब्यबस्था
(ग) केवल १५ वटा सिटको छरितो बसमा ५० जनासम्ममा मानिस कोचाकोच गरिन सक्ने
(घ) बर्खामा बसभित्रै छाता ओढ्न सकिने तथा गाडी भित्रै स्विमिंगपुलको ब्यबस्था
(ङ) गाडीलाई ननस्टप रुपमा दौडाउनका लागी ब्रेक र स्टेयरिंग नभएको
छिटो गर्नोस्, यमलोकबाट इन्भाइटेसन लेटर पठाइ सकिएको हुनाले चढेको दुईघन्टामा नै यमलोकको बसपार्कमा पुर्याइने छ ।
पुनस्च: जहाँ तहीँबाट दलालहरुसँग टिकट नलिनु होला, यमलोक लैजाने भनेर स्र्वगलोक पुर्याईदेलान् !
सम्पर्कः अघिल्लो दिन पिच गरेको भोलीपल्ट पत्तासाफ हुने नेपालका प्रत्येक राजमार्गहरु !
दैवको लिला ।
सरकारले महिला पुरुषको भेदभाव अन्त्य गरेपछि एक पुरुष नेता भाषण गर्दैथिएः आमा दिदी बहिनीहरु, महिलामाथीको संपूर्ण भेदभाव अन्त्य भएपछि यति भएको छु नि गर्वले मेरो छाती ढक्क फुलेको छ ।
आमैः ए...गर्वले हाम्रो पेट ठुलो हुन्थ्यो, लोग्नेमान्छेको चाहीँ छाती ठुलो हुदो रहेछ, दैवको लिला ।
मोटे ख्याउटे
एउटा मोटोमानिस बसको सिटमा गजधम्म परेर बसिरहेको थियो । त्यतिकैमा एउटा ख्याउटे मानिस बसमा चढ्यो । मोटे सिटमा बसेको देखेर उसले ब्यंग्य गर्दै भन्यो:
ख्याउटेः यो बसमा त हात्तीहरुले मात्रै बस्न पाउने हो कि क्या हो ?
मोटे: हैन, आउनोस् न, गधाहरुलाई पनि सिट खाली छ ।
नर्कमा गुरु
एउटा क्लासमा ह्वेलको बारेमा कुरा हुँदैथियो ।
शिक्षकः ह्वेल शारिरिक रुपमा ठुलो भएपनि मानिसलाई निल्न सक्दैन, किन भने उसको
घाँटी सानो हुन्छ ।
बिद्यार्थीः तर, दिपक त जापान जाँदा ह्वेलले निलेको रे, शिक्षकः होइन, त्यो असम्भव छ ।
बिद्यार्थीः त्यसोभए म स्वर्ग गएपछि दीपकलाई सोध्छु । शिक्षकः अनि नर्क गएको रहेछ
भने नि ?
बिद्यार्थीः सरले सोध्नु नि ।
कलिउडको मन्त्रिपरिषद
निखिल उप्रेती.....................पर्खाल तथा लात्तीमन्त्री
मनिषा कोइराला................दिउसो तथा रात्रीमन्त्री
झरना बज्राचार्य.......... ...बिपासा बासु पनि फ्लप मन्त्री
राजेश हमाल......................ब्रम्हाचारी तथा सन्यासमन्त्री
अशोक शर्मा.......................मण्डले तथा छेपारे मन्त्री
बसुन्धरा भुसाल......... .......रोदन तथा चेपारे मन्त्री
महिला तथा श्रीमती मन्त्री.......भुवन के.सी.
युवा तथा युवती मन्त्री............दिनेश डि.सी.
ज्ञान तथा गोबरमन्त्री.........जल शाह
फेशन तथा ओभर मन्त्री.....रेखा आहा
तिन खित्का
भुतको तमासा
रातको बाह्रबजे एउटा मानिस चिहानमाथी बसिरहेको थियो।त्यति नै बेला गोपाल पनि त्यहीबाटो भएर घर र्फकदै थियो।मध्यरातमा चिहानमाथी बसिरहेकालाई सोध्योःयस्तो मध्यरातमा चिहानमाथी बसिरहन डर लाग्दैन ?
जवाफमा भन्योः के को डर नि।चिहानभित्र एकदमै गर्मी भएकोले एकैछिनकालागी बाहिर आएको ।
बदलाको भाव
रीताः ए, सरिता बाहिर ३ जना केटीहरुले तिम्रो श्रीमानलाई कुटिरहेकाछन् ।
सरिताः खै खै हेरौँ, (झ्यालमा बसेर छिमेकीले लोग्ने पिटेको हेर्न थाल्छे) हो त रहेछ ।
रीताः त्यसरी कुटिरहेकाछन्, सघाउन जान्नस्?
सरीताः पर्दैन, तिनजनाले सकिहाल्छन् नि मेरो बुढोलाई तह लगाउन ।
पनि हद
श्रीमानः हेर न राधिका, आज त मैले छाता लैजान नै बिर्सिएछु।
श्रीमतीः हो त नी, कतिबेला थाहा पाउनु भयो, छाता बिर्सिएको?
श्रीमान्: पानी पर्न रोकिएपछि जब छाता बन्द गर्न हात उठाएको तब छातै छैन ।
गान्टेः तपाईँको बाबुको नाम के हो ?
भुन्टेः बाबुको नाम 'के' होईन, भवानी प्रसाद हो !!
गान्टेः के कामले पाल्नु भो होला ?
भुन्टेः भैंसी दुध खान, कुकुर घर रुङ्न पालेको !!
गान्टेः तपाईँको घडीमा कति बज्यो होला ?
भुन्टेः मेरो घडीमा बज्दैन, यसले त टायममात्र दिन्छ, बज्ने घडी त घन्टाघरमा मात्रै छ!!
गान्टेः आज यसो घुमौं न है ?
भुन्टेः नाईँ, मलाई त घुम्दा रिँगटा लाग्छ !!
गान्टेः मलाई त्यसले गाली दियो यार ।
भुन्टेः के मा राखेर ल्यायौ त ?
गान्टेः आज मलाई जरो आएको छ ।
भुन्टैः उखेलेर फ्याँकिदेउ न !!
गान्टेः जागीर खाएर आउँछु है ।
भुन्टेः थालमा कि गिलासमा खान्छौ ?
गान्टेः मैले झ्यालबाट केटाहरु स्कुल गइरहेको देखें ।
भुन्टेः झ्यालबाट !! कसैको खुट्टा भाँचिएन ?
गान्टेः म त थाकेँ यार ।
भुन्टेः कहिले ब्याएका थियौ र !!
यमलोक यातायात सेवा
सबै जना स्वर्गलोक जान चाहान्छन् तर मर्न कोही पनि चाहाँदैनन् । नमरी स्वर्ग पुगिन्न, स्वर्ग नगई मरिन्न , कस्तो अप्ठेरो होला त ! तर यमलोक जानको लागी चाहीँ सजिलो छ है । के तपाईँ यमलोकको यात्रा गर्न चाहानु हुन्छ ? यदी चाहानुन्छ भने, अभरपर्दो, अविश्वासिलो, र अछरितो यमलोक यातायात सेवालाई सम्झनोस् !
हाम्रो सेवाहरु:
(क) एउटै सिटमाथी दश जना सम्म खप्टिएर बस्न मिल्ने
(ख) बसभित्रै एयर कन्डिसनको ब्यबस्था गरिए अनुरुप गर्मीको बेला बोसो
पग्लिनेगरीको गर्मी तथा जाडोको हुने ब्यबस्था
(ग) केवल १५ वटा सिटको छरितो बसमा ५० जनासम्ममा मानिस कोचाकोच गरिन सक्ने
(घ) बर्खामा बसभित्रै छाता ओढ्न सकिने तथा गाडी भित्रै स्विमिंगपुलको ब्यबस्था
(ङ) गाडीलाई ननस्टप रुपमा दौडाउनका लागी ब्रेक र स्टेयरिंग नभएको
छिटो गर्नोस्, यमलोकबाट इन्भाइटेसन लेटर पठाइ सकिएको हुनाले चढेको दुईघन्टामा नै यमलोकको बसपार्कमा पुर्याइने छ ।
पुनस्च: जहाँ तहीँबाट दलालहरुसँग टिकट नलिनु होला, यमलोक लैजाने भनेर स्र्वगलोक पुर्याईदेलान् !
सम्पर्कः अघिल्लो दिन पिच गरेको भोलीपल्ट पत्तासाफ हुने नेपालका प्रत्येक राजमार्गहरु !
दैवको लिला ।
सरकारले महिला पुरुषको भेदभाव अन्त्य गरेपछि एक पुरुष नेता भाषण गर्दैथिएः आमा दिदी बहिनीहरु, महिलामाथीको संपूर्ण भेदभाव अन्त्य भएपछि यति भएको छु नि गर्वले मेरो छाती ढक्क फुलेको छ ।
आमैः ए...गर्वले हाम्रो पेट ठुलो हुन्थ्यो, लोग्नेमान्छेको चाहीँ छाती ठुलो हुदो रहेछ, दैवको लिला ।
मोटे ख्याउटे
एउटा मोटोमानिस बसको सिटमा गजधम्म परेर बसिरहेको थियो । त्यतिकैमा एउटा ख्याउटे मानिस बसमा चढ्यो । मोटे सिटमा बसेको देखेर उसले ब्यंग्य गर्दै भन्यो:
ख्याउटेः यो बसमा त हात्तीहरुले मात्रै बस्न पाउने हो कि क्या हो ?
मोटे: हैन, आउनोस् न, गधाहरुलाई पनि सिट खाली छ ।
नर्कमा गुरु
एउटा क्लासमा ह्वेलको बारेमा कुरा हुँदैथियो ।
शिक्षकः ह्वेल शारिरिक रुपमा ठुलो भएपनि मानिसलाई निल्न सक्दैन, किन भने उसको
घाँटी सानो हुन्छ ।
बिद्यार्थीः तर, दिपक त जापान जाँदा ह्वेलले निलेको रे, शिक्षकः होइन, त्यो असम्भव छ ।
बिद्यार्थीः त्यसोभए म स्वर्ग गएपछि दीपकलाई सोध्छु । शिक्षकः अनि नर्क गएको रहेछ
भने नि ?
बिद्यार्थीः सरले सोध्नु नि ।
कलिउडको मन्त्रिपरिषद
निखिल उप्रेती.....................पर्खाल तथा लात्तीमन्त्री
मनिषा कोइराला................दिउसो तथा रात्रीमन्त्री
झरना बज्राचार्य.......... ...बिपासा बासु पनि फ्लप मन्त्री
राजेश हमाल......................ब्रम्हाचारी तथा सन्यासमन्त्री
अशोक शर्मा.......................मण्डले तथा छेपारे मन्त्री
बसुन्धरा भुसाल......... .......रोदन तथा चेपारे मन्त्री
महिला तथा श्रीमती मन्त्री.......भुवन के.सी.
युवा तथा युवती मन्त्री............दिनेश डि.सी.
ज्ञान तथा गोबरमन्त्री.........जल शाह
फेशन तथा ओभर मन्त्री.....रेखा आहा
तिन खित्का
भुतको तमासा
रातको बाह्रबजे एउटा मानिस चिहानमाथी बसिरहेको थियो।त्यति नै बेला गोपाल पनि त्यहीबाटो भएर घर र्फकदै थियो।मध्यरातमा चिहानमाथी बसिरहेकालाई सोध्योःयस्तो मध्यरातमा चिहानमाथी बसिरहन डर लाग्दैन ?
जवाफमा भन्योः के को डर नि।चिहानभित्र एकदमै गर्मी भएकोले एकैछिनकालागी बाहिर आएको ।
बदलाको भाव
रीताः ए, सरिता बाहिर ३ जना केटीहरुले तिम्रो श्रीमानलाई कुटिरहेकाछन् ।
सरिताः खै खै हेरौँ, (झ्यालमा बसेर छिमेकीले लोग्ने पिटेको हेर्न थाल्छे) हो त रहेछ ।
रीताः त्यसरी कुटिरहेकाछन्, सघाउन जान्नस्?
सरीताः पर्दैन, तिनजनाले सकिहाल्छन् नि मेरो बुढोलाई तह लगाउन ।
पनि हद
श्रीमानः हेर न राधिका, आज त मैले छाता लैजान नै बिर्सिएछु।
श्रीमतीः हो त नी, कतिबेला थाहा पाउनु भयो, छाता बिर्सिएको?
श्रीमान्: पानी पर्न रोकिएपछि जब छाता बन्द गर्न हात उठाएको तब छातै छैन ।
Nepali proverb english version
घाँटी हेरी हाड निल्नु
Look at the neck and swallow the bone
खाई न पाई छालाको टोपी लाई
Eating na getting, putting leather cap
एक कान दुई कान मैदान
One ear two ear, playground
अछ्यु खाए बछ्यु खाए , झुसे बारुलो
Hornet ate bachhyu ate, hairy wasp
काग कराउदै गर्छ पिना सुक्दै गर्छ
Crow crying, pina drying
चिन्नु न जान्नु घचेडी माग्नु
Don't know don't know push and beg
भाग्यमानी को भूतै कमारो
Lucky person has ghost servant
म पनि खान्दानी को छोरा हो
I am also a son of Tiffin Carrier
कहिं नभाको जात्रा हाँडीगाउँमा
Nowhere festival in pot village
नखाँउ भने दिनभरिको शिकार , खाउँभने कान्छा बाउकोअनुहार
If no eat whole day's hunting, if eat face of uncle
हात्ती आयो हात्ती आयो फुस्सा
Elephant coming elephant coming phussa becoming
केटा केटी आए , गुलेली खेलाए , गुच्चाको नास
Boy girl come, play slingshot, loss of marble
जब भयो राती , तब बुढी ताती
When it becomes night, Wife becomes hot.
कस्लाई के को चिन्ता , घर ज्वाइँलाई खानाको चिन्ता
Who what tension, who what tension, House son-in-law eating tension.
कस्को बाउको के तागत , म पनि खान्दानको छोरा हुँ
Whose father, what vitamin I'm the son of Tiffin Carrier
-संकलन : प्रज्ञा शर्मा
Nepali Jokes
प्रचण्ड काठमाण्डौमा पहिलो पटक प्रबेश गरे, आफैँ गाडी हाँक्दै ।
सुन्धाराबाट जमल दिन जानुपर्ने, भद्रकालीतिर पसिदिएछन् ।
शहीद गेटमा ट्राफिकले गाडी रोक्योः प्रचण्डलाई देख्नासाथ लल्याक लुलुक ।
हत्तपत्त वाकीटाकीबाट माथी जाहेर गर्छ: रोजर साब, यहाँ एउटा जान लागेको छ, साब ।
साब चाडै यहाँ आउनु पर्यो साब ।
साबः म किन आउनु पर्यो त, जाकि दे त त्यसलाई ।
ट्राफिकः तर, ठुलो मान्छेको गाडी हो साब ।
साबः लोकतन्त्रमा को ठुलो, को सानो ...कत्रो ठुलो हात्तीजत्रो ?
ट्राफिकः साब, ठट्टा नगर्नोस् न । म केही गर्न सक्दिन साब ।
साबः हैन, ठुलो मान्छे भनेको चाहीँ को त ?
ट्राफिकः खै साब, गाडी मालिकचाहीँ को हो थाहा भएन, प्रचण्डलाई नै चालक बनाएपछि
आफैँ गेस गर्नोस् न सर, कत्रो मान्छे होला !!
यमलोकरेष्टुरेन्ट एण्ड बार
यमलोक
रेष्टुरेन्ट एण्ड बार
यमनगर, यमलोक
फोन: ६ बाह्र छैन तेह्र
इमेल : amaraj@bhootmail.com
मिनु
उल्लुको छोएला: रु. ५० प्रतिप्लेट
भेज पकौडः रु. ७५ प्रतिप्लेट
(गोरुको तेलमा फ्राई गरिएको)
स्यालको फोक्सो: रु. ९० प्रतिप्लेट
चिराइतोको सुपः रु. ७० प्रतिडबका
गड्यौलाको अचारः रु. २० प्रतिचम्चा
भ्यागुता भुटेकोः रु. २५ प्रतिगाँस
गधाको पुच्छरसाँधेको: रु. १५ प्रतिपुच्छर
झिँगाको भुटन: रु. ४५ प्रतिप्लेट
बिशेष
अफर
बाख्राका बड्क्यौलाद्धारा निर्मित स्पेशल वाइनः रु. ८० प्रतिघ्याम्पा !!
दुई प्लेट गिद्धको रोष्टको साथमा एक बोतल यमरस सित्थैमा !!
आफु खानोस् र अरुलाई पनि खुवाउनोस्, परेको हामी ब्यहोर्छौ, पैसा तपाइ तिर्नोस् !!
एक पटक हाम्रो यमराज रेष्टुरेन्टको मिनु हेर्नोस्: कहिल्लै फर्किएर आउनु हुन्न !!
- प्रो.चित्रगुप्त यमकर्मी
हसिँयाभन्दा सिधा
पुर्ने (लठेब्रो) छोरो पाएको १५ दिनमा बिदेश गयो ।
पाँच बर्षपछि घर फर्किएर घरभित्र पस्नासाथ श्रीमती अर्धनग्न
अवस्थामा रोइरहेकी थिइन् ।
पुर्नेः के भो कोपिला ?
कोपिलाः मलाई हार्ट एट्याक भयो, ऐया......।
पुर्ने हत्तपत्त घरको तल्लो कोठामा झरेर एम्बुलेन्समा फोन गर्नमात्र के लागेको हुन्छ,
५ बर्षको उनको छोरो मन्जिल आएर भन्योः
मञ्जिलः बाबा बाबा, सपन अंकल पल्लो कोठमा लुकेर कपडा लगाउँदै हुनुहुन्छ ।
उ फोन भुइँमा राखेर दौडदै श्रीमती भए ठाउँपुग्यो, हेर्यो र अर्को कोठामा पुग्यो,
नभन्दै त्यहाँ उसैको मित्र सपनपनि अर्धनग्न अवस्थामा कोठामा यताउता घुम्दै थियो ।
पुर्नेः (राता राता आँखा पार्दै) साले, तँ कस्तो साथी होस् यार ! उता मेरो श्रीमतीलाई
हर्ट एट्याक भइरहेको छ । तँ भने, केटाकेटी जस्तो कोठामा नांगै खेलेर बसेको
छस्....... जा............एम्बुलेन्स बोलाएर लिएर आइज !
नर्कमा टेलिफोन सेवा !!
हालै विश्वका धेरै देशका राष्ट्रप्रमुखहरु नर्कमा भेट भएछन् । धेरैबेर पछिको छलफल पछि सबैले आ-आफ्नो देशमा फोन सम्पर्क गर्ने निधो गरेर सबै टेलिफोन बुथतिर गएछन् ।
अमेरिकाको राष्ट्रप्रमुखले आफ्नो देशमा फोन लगाएछन्, दुइ मिनेट फोन गरेपछि २००० डलर बिल तिरे त्यसपछि चिनका राष्ट्रपतिको पालो आयो । उनले पनि दुइमिनेटको २०० डलर बिलतिरेछन् । अन्त्यमा नेपालका लाष्टपतीको पालो आयो । उनले पनि दुई मिनेट फोन गरेर बिल मागे ।
नर्कको अपरेटरले: ५ रुपिया दिनोस् ।
नेपाली लाष्टपती: यो त अचम्म भो ! नेपालीचाहीँ कसरी त्यति सस्तो ?
नर्कको अपरेटर: लोकल कल भएर !
तिरिमिरी झ्याँई
प्रश्नः
: प्रकृतिले दिनका साथै रात किन बनाएको होला ?
उत्तरः: चोर डाकाहरुको पनि जिबिका चलोस् भनेर !
प्रश्नः
: हाम्रो देशमा किन एउटा पनि ठूलो मान्छे जन्मिन सकेन ?
उत्तरः: संसारमै यस्तो हो, जन्मिँदा सबै बच्चा नै जन्मिन्छन् !
प्रश्नः
: मिरोजजी, तपाईँको खास नाम चाहीँ के हो ?
उत्तर : मेरो खास नाम 'के हैन, मनोज हो !
प्रश्नः
: मैले तपाइँलाई चिनिहालेँ नि !
उत्तर : चिनि नहाल्नोस्, मलाई सुगरको समस्या छ, बरु नुन हालिदिनुस् !!
ल, उल्टो पर्यो नि
पहिलो पटक खप्परध्वज शहरको एउटा भब्य पार्टीमा पुग्यो । डिनर लिइरहेको बेला आफ्नो छेउमा उभिएर बियर तानिरहेको एक ब्यक्तिलाई उसले भन्योः
खप्परध्व्जः कस्तो जमाना आयो । उ त्यो केटोलाई हेर्नोस् न, कस्तो पोशाक लगाएको होला, ठ्याक्कै
केटीजस्तो देखिन्छ !
ब्यक्तिः (उक्त ब्यक्तिले अलि रिसाएजस्तो गरी जवाफ दियो) माफ गर्नोस् महासय, त्यो केटी नै हो,
र उ मेरी छोरी हो ।
(खप्पर अलि अलि डरायो र भन्यो)
खप्परध्व्जः (खप्पर अलि अलि डरायो र भन्यो) सरी है हजुर, । तपाईँ उसको बुवा हो भन्ने कुरा
मलाई थाहा थिएन ।
ब्यक्तिः (ब्यक्तिले जंगिदै भन्यो) तपाईँ मसँग जिस्किदै हुनुहुन्छ कि क्या हो ? म उसको बाबु हैन,
आमा हुँ !
लवलेटर हरु
प्रहरीको लवलेटर
मेरो हृदयकी नाइटभिजन, लङ्गरेन्जको भन्दा लामो तथा बंकरभन्दा गहिरो माया !
आत्माकी सेन्ट्री, सेक्यरिटीवाल भन्दा मजबुत प्यार । मेरो दिमागकी एम्बुस, ब्ल्यांकफायर
भन्दा धेरै क्लियर संझना । प्यारी, मेरो सानो मिसफायरमा तिमी मेरो घेरा तोडेर माइत गयौं,
मेरो मनमा र्कफ्यु लागेको छ । तुरुन्त आत्मसर्मपण गरिदेउ, हैन भने, हातहतियार सहित माइतमा आक्रमण हुनेछ !!
उहि तिमीलाई सधैँ सुरक्षा दिने
हवल्दार 'काले'
कम्प्युटर अपरेटरको प्रेमपत्र
जिन्दगीकी कन्ट्रोल प्यानल, हन्ड्रेड जिबीको माया ! मैले १एमबी मायााको लागी कतिपटक एप्लाई गरेँ, तर कहिल्यै पनि ओ.के. गरिनौ । तिम्रो पिक्चर मेरो हार्डडिस्कमा सेभ गरिसकेको छु । कृपया मेरो मायालाई रिसाइकलबीनमा सेन्ड नगरिदेउ । मेरो रिकोएस्ट मानिनौं भने, म आफैंलाई अटो डिलिट गर्नेछु , अगाडी तिम्रो इच्छा !!
तिम्रो जिन्दगीको पासवर्ड ' गोपाल'
ड्राइभरकोलवलेटर
मेरो मुटुकी स्टेयरिङ् , चौथो गियर भन्दा धेरै माया ! अहिले सम्म म कण्डिसनमा नै छु , आषा छ, तिमी पनि पञ्चर भएकी छैनौ होला । म घरबाट हिँड्दा तिम्रो चक्का मेरो मतलब खुट्टा ठिक थिएन, राम्रो वर्कसपमा गएर डाक्टरलाई देखाउनु । केटाकेटीलाई गाली गर्दा हर्न सानो पार्नु , छिमेकीले ओभरटेक गर्छन्, आउँदो नपालबन्दमा घर आउँदैछु ,त्यसैबेला बेट्रीचार्ज गरौंला !!
उहि तिमीलाई हर्न बजाउने ड्राइभर माइला,
बि.च.रा.४३२३
Look at the neck and swallow the bone
खाई न पाई छालाको टोपी लाई
Eating na getting, putting leather cap
एक कान दुई कान मैदान
One ear two ear, playground
अछ्यु खाए बछ्यु खाए , झुसे बारुलो
Hornet ate bachhyu ate, hairy wasp
काग कराउदै गर्छ पिना सुक्दै गर्छ
Crow crying, pina drying
चिन्नु न जान्नु घचेडी माग्नु
Don't know don't know push and beg
भाग्यमानी को भूतै कमारो
Lucky person has ghost servant
म पनि खान्दानी को छोरा हो
I am also a son of Tiffin Carrier
कहिं नभाको जात्रा हाँडीगाउँमा
Nowhere festival in pot village
नखाँउ भने दिनभरिको शिकार , खाउँभने कान्छा बाउकोअनुहार
If no eat whole day's hunting, if eat face of uncle
हात्ती आयो हात्ती आयो फुस्सा
Elephant coming elephant coming phussa becoming
केटा केटी आए , गुलेली खेलाए , गुच्चाको नास
Boy girl come, play slingshot, loss of marble
जब भयो राती , तब बुढी ताती
When it becomes night, Wife becomes hot.
कस्लाई के को चिन्ता , घर ज्वाइँलाई खानाको चिन्ता
Who what tension, who what tension, House son-in-law eating tension.
कस्को बाउको के तागत , म पनि खान्दानको छोरा हुँ
Whose father, what vitamin I'm the son of Tiffin Carrier
-संकलन : प्रज्ञा शर्मा
Nepali Jokes
प्रचण्ड काठमाण्डौमा पहिलो पटक प्रबेश गरे, आफैँ गाडी हाँक्दै ।
सुन्धाराबाट जमल दिन जानुपर्ने, भद्रकालीतिर पसिदिएछन् ।
शहीद गेटमा ट्राफिकले गाडी रोक्योः प्रचण्डलाई देख्नासाथ लल्याक लुलुक ।
हत्तपत्त वाकीटाकीबाट माथी जाहेर गर्छ: रोजर साब, यहाँ एउटा जान लागेको छ, साब ।
साब चाडै यहाँ आउनु पर्यो साब ।
साबः म किन आउनु पर्यो त, जाकि दे त त्यसलाई ।
ट्राफिकः तर, ठुलो मान्छेको गाडी हो साब ।
साबः लोकतन्त्रमा को ठुलो, को सानो ...कत्रो ठुलो हात्तीजत्रो ?
ट्राफिकः साब, ठट्टा नगर्नोस् न । म केही गर्न सक्दिन साब ।
साबः हैन, ठुलो मान्छे भनेको चाहीँ को त ?
ट्राफिकः खै साब, गाडी मालिकचाहीँ को हो थाहा भएन, प्रचण्डलाई नै चालक बनाएपछि
आफैँ गेस गर्नोस् न सर, कत्रो मान्छे होला !!
यमलोकरेष्टुरेन्ट एण्ड बार
यमलोक
रेष्टुरेन्ट एण्ड बार
यमनगर, यमलोक
फोन: ६ बाह्र छैन तेह्र
इमेल : amaraj@bhootmail.com
मिनु
उल्लुको छोएला: रु. ५० प्रतिप्लेट
भेज पकौडः रु. ७५ प्रतिप्लेट
(गोरुको तेलमा फ्राई गरिएको)
स्यालको फोक्सो: रु. ९० प्रतिप्लेट
चिराइतोको सुपः रु. ७० प्रतिडबका
गड्यौलाको अचारः रु. २० प्रतिचम्चा
भ्यागुता भुटेकोः रु. २५ प्रतिगाँस
गधाको पुच्छरसाँधेको: रु. १५ प्रतिपुच्छर
झिँगाको भुटन: रु. ४५ प्रतिप्लेट
बिशेष
अफर
बाख्राका बड्क्यौलाद्धारा निर्मित स्पेशल वाइनः रु. ८० प्रतिघ्याम्पा !!
दुई प्लेट गिद्धको रोष्टको साथमा एक बोतल यमरस सित्थैमा !!
आफु खानोस् र अरुलाई पनि खुवाउनोस्, परेको हामी ब्यहोर्छौ, पैसा तपाइ तिर्नोस् !!
एक पटक हाम्रो यमराज रेष्टुरेन्टको मिनु हेर्नोस्: कहिल्लै फर्किएर आउनु हुन्न !!
- प्रो.चित्रगुप्त यमकर्मी
हसिँयाभन्दा सिधा
पुर्ने (लठेब्रो) छोरो पाएको १५ दिनमा बिदेश गयो ।
पाँच बर्षपछि घर फर्किएर घरभित्र पस्नासाथ श्रीमती अर्धनग्न
अवस्थामा रोइरहेकी थिइन् ।
पुर्नेः के भो कोपिला ?
कोपिलाः मलाई हार्ट एट्याक भयो, ऐया......।
पुर्ने हत्तपत्त घरको तल्लो कोठामा झरेर एम्बुलेन्समा फोन गर्नमात्र के लागेको हुन्छ,
५ बर्षको उनको छोरो मन्जिल आएर भन्योः
मञ्जिलः बाबा बाबा, सपन अंकल पल्लो कोठमा लुकेर कपडा लगाउँदै हुनुहुन्छ ।
उ फोन भुइँमा राखेर दौडदै श्रीमती भए ठाउँपुग्यो, हेर्यो र अर्को कोठामा पुग्यो,
नभन्दै त्यहाँ उसैको मित्र सपनपनि अर्धनग्न अवस्थामा कोठामा यताउता घुम्दै थियो ।
पुर्नेः (राता राता आँखा पार्दै) साले, तँ कस्तो साथी होस् यार ! उता मेरो श्रीमतीलाई
हर्ट एट्याक भइरहेको छ । तँ भने, केटाकेटी जस्तो कोठामा नांगै खेलेर बसेको
छस्....... जा............एम्बुलेन्स बोलाएर लिएर आइज !
नर्कमा टेलिफोन सेवा !!
हालै विश्वका धेरै देशका राष्ट्रप्रमुखहरु नर्कमा भेट भएछन् । धेरैबेर पछिको छलफल पछि सबैले आ-आफ्नो देशमा फोन सम्पर्क गर्ने निधो गरेर सबै टेलिफोन बुथतिर गएछन् ।
अमेरिकाको राष्ट्रप्रमुखले आफ्नो देशमा फोन लगाएछन्, दुइ मिनेट फोन गरेपछि २००० डलर बिल तिरे त्यसपछि चिनका राष्ट्रपतिको पालो आयो । उनले पनि दुइमिनेटको २०० डलर बिलतिरेछन् । अन्त्यमा नेपालका लाष्टपतीको पालो आयो । उनले पनि दुई मिनेट फोन गरेर बिल मागे ।
नर्कको अपरेटरले: ५ रुपिया दिनोस् ।
नेपाली लाष्टपती: यो त अचम्म भो ! नेपालीचाहीँ कसरी त्यति सस्तो ?
नर्कको अपरेटर: लोकल कल भएर !
तिरिमिरी झ्याँई
प्रश्नः
: प्रकृतिले दिनका साथै रात किन बनाएको होला ?
उत्तरः: चोर डाकाहरुको पनि जिबिका चलोस् भनेर !
प्रश्नः
: हाम्रो देशमा किन एउटा पनि ठूलो मान्छे जन्मिन सकेन ?
उत्तरः: संसारमै यस्तो हो, जन्मिँदा सबै बच्चा नै जन्मिन्छन् !
प्रश्नः
: मिरोजजी, तपाईँको खास नाम चाहीँ के हो ?
उत्तर : मेरो खास नाम 'के हैन, मनोज हो !
प्रश्नः
: मैले तपाइँलाई चिनिहालेँ नि !
उत्तर : चिनि नहाल्नोस्, मलाई सुगरको समस्या छ, बरु नुन हालिदिनुस् !!
ल, उल्टो पर्यो नि
पहिलो पटक खप्परध्वज शहरको एउटा भब्य पार्टीमा पुग्यो । डिनर लिइरहेको बेला आफ्नो छेउमा उभिएर बियर तानिरहेको एक ब्यक्तिलाई उसले भन्योः
खप्परध्व्जः कस्तो जमाना आयो । उ त्यो केटोलाई हेर्नोस् न, कस्तो पोशाक लगाएको होला, ठ्याक्कै
केटीजस्तो देखिन्छ !
ब्यक्तिः (उक्त ब्यक्तिले अलि रिसाएजस्तो गरी जवाफ दियो) माफ गर्नोस् महासय, त्यो केटी नै हो,
र उ मेरी छोरी हो ।
(खप्पर अलि अलि डरायो र भन्यो)
खप्परध्व्जः (खप्पर अलि अलि डरायो र भन्यो) सरी है हजुर, । तपाईँ उसको बुवा हो भन्ने कुरा
मलाई थाहा थिएन ।
ब्यक्तिः (ब्यक्तिले जंगिदै भन्यो) तपाईँ मसँग जिस्किदै हुनुहुन्छ कि क्या हो ? म उसको बाबु हैन,
आमा हुँ !
लवलेटर हरु
प्रहरीको लवलेटर
मेरो हृदयकी नाइटभिजन, लङ्गरेन्जको भन्दा लामो तथा बंकरभन्दा गहिरो माया !
आत्माकी सेन्ट्री, सेक्यरिटीवाल भन्दा मजबुत प्यार । मेरो दिमागकी एम्बुस, ब्ल्यांकफायर
भन्दा धेरै क्लियर संझना । प्यारी, मेरो सानो मिसफायरमा तिमी मेरो घेरा तोडेर माइत गयौं,
मेरो मनमा र्कफ्यु लागेको छ । तुरुन्त आत्मसर्मपण गरिदेउ, हैन भने, हातहतियार सहित माइतमा आक्रमण हुनेछ !!
उहि तिमीलाई सधैँ सुरक्षा दिने
हवल्दार 'काले'
कम्प्युटर अपरेटरको प्रेमपत्र
जिन्दगीकी कन्ट्रोल प्यानल, हन्ड्रेड जिबीको माया ! मैले १एमबी मायााको लागी कतिपटक एप्लाई गरेँ, तर कहिल्यै पनि ओ.के. गरिनौ । तिम्रो पिक्चर मेरो हार्डडिस्कमा सेभ गरिसकेको छु । कृपया मेरो मायालाई रिसाइकलबीनमा सेन्ड नगरिदेउ । मेरो रिकोएस्ट मानिनौं भने, म आफैंलाई अटो डिलिट गर्नेछु , अगाडी तिम्रो इच्छा !!
तिम्रो जिन्दगीको पासवर्ड ' गोपाल'
ड्राइभरकोलवलेटर
मेरो मुटुकी स्टेयरिङ् , चौथो गियर भन्दा धेरै माया ! अहिले सम्म म कण्डिसनमा नै छु , आषा छ, तिमी पनि पञ्चर भएकी छैनौ होला । म घरबाट हिँड्दा तिम्रो चक्का मेरो मतलब खुट्टा ठिक थिएन, राम्रो वर्कसपमा गएर डाक्टरलाई देखाउनु । केटाकेटीलाई गाली गर्दा हर्न सानो पार्नु , छिमेकीले ओभरटेक गर्छन्, आउँदो नपालबन्दमा घर आउँदैछु ,त्यसैबेला बेट्रीचार्ज गरौंला !!
उहि तिमीलाई हर्न बजाउने ड्राइभर माइला,
बि.च.रा.४३२३
Friday, November 26, 2010
Easy Ways To Know If Your Boyfriend Is Cheating you
Easy Ways To Know If Your Boyfriend Is Cheating you
The following list of behaviors and changes in your boyfriend's daily routine can identify patterns of cheating within your relationship. Being with another girl is difficult for some guys to hide, especially if he's falling for this other woman. The closer he gets to her, the easier it will be to know that he's messing around with someone else.
Any time your boyfriend or spouse walks into another room to take a phone call:
Iit has to be for a reason. If the room you´re in isn´t noisy, there´s a good chance he´s in there having a conversation he doesn´t want you to hear. And if it´s a quick conversation, where he claps his cell phone shut quickly and then walks back into the room pretending like nothing happened? It could be a sign that your man is cheating
He Starts Working Extra Hours, below are the analysis result:
Everyone has jobs that sometimes require overtime, and this alone isn´t a sign that your boyfriend is cheating on you. However, if his job suddenly requires him to spend lots of extra hours and at different times during the week? It could be a sign that something´s amiss. Look for consistency. If there isn´t any, your man could be seeing someone else.
Everyone´s schedule is different, and you may have a boyfriend who goes out a lot.
This is normal, but what´s not normal is a sudden change to the days and times that he´s running out the door. If he´s going out much later than he used to, or waking up earlier than he ever did before, there´s a chance he might be unfaithful to you. Again, consistency is key.
He Starts Wearing Cologne, below is the analysis result:
If your boyfriend starts spraying cologne on himself when he leaves (and even worse, when he returns), you´ll need to take note. If this is something he always did, fine. But if it´s something he rarely or never did before, odds are good he´s covering something up. It could be the perfume of the girl he´s seeing on the side.
One of the strongest signs that he´s hiding something might be the way your boyfriend uses the computer.
During a relationship in which he´s got nothing to hide, you might know everything from his online passwords to his ATM pin codes. But once he changes these things? There´s something he doesn´t want you to see. If he´s deleting his browsing history, it might mean he´s just watching porn... or it might mean he doesn´t want you to see that he´s accessing a new email address he just set up.
When a guy needs to see his secret lover, he needs an excuse to leave the house.
If your boyfriend is picking fights or starting arguments over insignificant little things and then storming out of your home or apartment? There might be a more dishonest reason behind it. Keep an eye out for such behavior.
He Begins Hiding His Cell phone, below are the analysis result:
When you´re in an honest relationship, your boyfriend´s cell phone should be a carefree accessory he leaves lying all over the house. But once his phone starts disappearing from view? Something´s up. If your man is suddenly hiding his cell phone, you can bet it´s for a reason. He has calls or text-messages from numbers he doesn´t want you to see
The following list of behaviors and changes in your boyfriend's daily routine can identify patterns of cheating within your relationship. Being with another girl is difficult for some guys to hide, especially if he's falling for this other woman. The closer he gets to her, the easier it will be to know that he's messing around with someone else.
Any time your boyfriend or spouse walks into another room to take a phone call:
Iit has to be for a reason. If the room you´re in isn´t noisy, there´s a good chance he´s in there having a conversation he doesn´t want you to hear. And if it´s a quick conversation, where he claps his cell phone shut quickly and then walks back into the room pretending like nothing happened? It could be a sign that your man is cheating
He Starts Working Extra Hours, below are the analysis result:
Everyone has jobs that sometimes require overtime, and this alone isn´t a sign that your boyfriend is cheating on you. However, if his job suddenly requires him to spend lots of extra hours and at different times during the week? It could be a sign that something´s amiss. Look for consistency. If there isn´t any, your man could be seeing someone else.
Everyone´s schedule is different, and you may have a boyfriend who goes out a lot.
This is normal, but what´s not normal is a sudden change to the days and times that he´s running out the door. If he´s going out much later than he used to, or waking up earlier than he ever did before, there´s a chance he might be unfaithful to you. Again, consistency is key.
He Starts Wearing Cologne, below is the analysis result:
If your boyfriend starts spraying cologne on himself when he leaves (and even worse, when he returns), you´ll need to take note. If this is something he always did, fine. But if it´s something he rarely or never did before, odds are good he´s covering something up. It could be the perfume of the girl he´s seeing on the side.
One of the strongest signs that he´s hiding something might be the way your boyfriend uses the computer.
During a relationship in which he´s got nothing to hide, you might know everything from his online passwords to his ATM pin codes. But once he changes these things? There´s something he doesn´t want you to see. If he´s deleting his browsing history, it might mean he´s just watching porn... or it might mean he doesn´t want you to see that he´s accessing a new email address he just set up.
When a guy needs to see his secret lover, he needs an excuse to leave the house.
If your boyfriend is picking fights or starting arguments over insignificant little things and then storming out of your home or apartment? There might be a more dishonest reason behind it. Keep an eye out for such behavior.
He Begins Hiding His Cell phone, below are the analysis result:
When you´re in an honest relationship, your boyfriend´s cell phone should be a carefree accessory he leaves lying all over the house. But once his phone starts disappearing from view? Something´s up. If your man is suddenly hiding his cell phone, you can bet it´s for a reason. He has calls or text-messages from numbers he doesn´t want you to see
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Introduction
CHAPTER ONE
Introduction
1.1 Background of the Project
Electronic commerce, commonly known as e-commerce or eCommerce consists of the buying and selling of products or services over electronic systems such as the Internet and other computer networks. E-commerce is fast gaining ground as an accepted and used business paradigm. More and more business houses are implementing web sites providing functionality for performing commercial transactions over the web. It is reasonable to say that the process of shopping on the web is becoming commonplace.
Nepal is a developing country and Information Communication and technology are playing their important roles in development of the country. By ecommerce we mean “buying and selling of products or services over electronic systems such as the Internet and other computer networks”. In truth in Nepal we have very less ways to pay our bills online or trade online. But that does not mean we cannot. There are new players on Nepali ground like Paybill and Esewa who wants to revolutionize the way Nepali ecommerce field is taken. With launch of these services many new startups can easily sell their products and services online. These services have lots of potential and we hope it will succeed and bring a change in the Nepali ecommerce field. There are big and old player like muncha.com in Nepal which is already popular for its money transfer and online shops.
The objective of this project is to develop a general purpose e-commerce store where any product (such as books, CDs, computers, mobile phones, electronic items, and home appliances) can be bought from the comfort of home through the Internet. However, for implementation purposes, this paper will deal with an online book store.
An online store is a virtual store on the Internet where customers can browse the catalog and select products of interest. The selected items may be collected in a shopping cart. At checkout time, the items in the shopping cart will be presented as an order. At that time, more information will be needed to complete the transaction.
Usually, the customer will be asked to fill or select a billing address, a shipping address, a shipping option, and payment information such as credit card number. An e- mail notification is sent to the customer as soon as the order is placed.
1.2 Objective of Project
The objectives for this project are:
1. For the partial fulfillment of the requirement for the degree of Bachelor of Computer Information System (BCIS)
2. Create a set of requirements for a Website CMS for e-shopping sites.
3. Build and test a prototype of a Website CMS for small businesses based on the requirements found.
4. Knowing when an item was saved or not saved in the shopping cart.
5. Returning to different parts of the site after adding an item to the shopping cart.
6. Easy scanning and selecting items in a list.
7. Effective categorical organization of products.
8. Simple navigation from home page to information and order links for specific products.
9. Obvious shopping links or buttons.
10. Minimal and effective security notifications or messages.
11. Consistent layout of product information.
1.3 Features of the RupJayGri Shop:
1. Small Shops or Complex Shops - RupJayGri can be used for the most complex shopping solutions and for the simplest shops. There is extreme flexibility.
2. E-Commerce Solution - RupJayGri is more than a shopping cart. It is an e-commerce solution that can be used to sell 1 product or tens of thousands of products.
3. Order tracking- RupJayGri Shop contains the order tracking system by which each and every order can be easily tracked.
4. Customer Relationship Management system is implemented.
5. E-marketing can be easily implemented.
6. Full open source.
7. Product reviews and detail information.
1.4 Limitations of the Project:
There are some limitations for the current system to which solutions can be provided as a future development:
1. The system is not configured for multi- users at this time. The concept of transaction can be used to achieve this.
2. The Website is not accessible to everyone. It can be deployed on a web server so that everybody who is connected to the Internet can use it.
3. Credit Card validation is not done. Third party proprietary software can be used for validation check.
As for other future developments, the following can be done:
1. The Administrator of the web site can be given more functionality, like looking at a specific customer’s profile, the books that have to be reordered, etc.
2. Multiple Shopping carts can be allowed.
1.5 Future Enhancement:
1.5.1 Mailing
- Mail to merchant, customer, suppliers and admin on order completion
- Mail to Tell a friend
- Mail on order tracking message to merchant
1.5.2 Back Office
- Update any table via browser with Browser reporting
- Bulk Updating from files and Bulk Imports
- Display and print orders and Order tracking messages
- Send message on order processed
- Multiple administrators with different privileges
1.5.3 Reports
- Sales reports, Search query reports, Total sales, Total sales by product and supplier
- Affiliate Reports, Recurring Billing and Content management
1.5.4 Anti-Hacker Security
- Prevent hackers from order based on e-mail or IP address, Dual password login to Administration
- Totally hide administration and Prevent certain countries from ordering
1.5.6 Others:
· New - Multi Tier pricing for quantity discounts - offer full site wide discounts easily and Up sells in shopping cart
· New - New Product promotional tool and YouTube movie integration
CHAPTER TWO
PROJECT DEVELOPMENT
2.1 Project Design
In order to design a web site, the relational database must be designed first. Conceptual design can be divided into two parts: The data model and the process model. The data model focuses on what data should be stored in the database while the process model deals with how the data is processed. To put this in the context of the relational database, the data model is used to design the relational tables. The process model is used to design the queries that will access and perform operations on those tables.
2.1.1 Data Model
A data model is a conceptual representation of the data structures that are required by a database. The first step in designing a database is to develop an Entity-Relation Diagram (ERD). The ERD serves as a blue print from which a relational database maybe deduced. Figure 1 shows the ERD for the project and later we will show the transformation from ERD to the Relational model.
Entity A matches exactly one record in entity B and every record in B matches exactly one record in A. One to many means that every record in A matches zero or more records in B and every record in B matches exactly one record in A. If there is a one to many relationships between two entities, then these entities are represented as Associative Entities. In the Relational Database model, each of the entities will be transformed into a table. The tables are shown below along with the attributes
Fig 2.1: Data modeling of whole project
2.1.2 Database Design:
In this section, the basic structure of the tables composing the database for the project are shown along with information about primary and foreign keys.
Fig 2.2: Schema Diagram of RupJayGri Shop
2.1.3 Process Model
A Process Model tells us about how the data is processed and how the data flows from one table to another to gather the required information. This model consists of the Functional Decomposition Diagram and Data Flow Diagram.
2.1.3.1 Functional Decomposition
A decomposition diagram shows a top-down functional decomposition of a system and exposes the system's structure. The objective of the Functional Decomposition is to break down a system step by step, beginning with the main function of a system and continuing with the interim levels down to the level of elementary functions. The diagram is the starting point for more detailed process diagrams, such as data flow diagrams (DFD). Figure 2 shows the Functional Decomposition Diagram for this project.
Figure 2.3: Functional Decomposition Diagram
2.1.3.2 Data Flow Diagram (DFD)
Data Flow Diagrams show the flow of data from external entities into the system, and from one process to another within the system. There are four symbols for drawing a
DFD:
1. Rectangles representing external entities, which are sources or destinations of data.
2. Ellipses representing processes, which take data as input, validate and process it and output it.
3. Arrows representing the data flows, which can either, be electronic data or physical items.
4. Open-ended rectangles or a Disk symbol representing data stores, including electronic stores such as databases or XML files and physical stores such as filing cabinets or stacks of paper.
The Detailed DFD provides a more detailed and comprehensive view of the interaction among the sub-processes within the system.
Customer-Browse Context DFD:
Figure 2.4: Customer-Browse Context DFD
Customer - ShoppingCart Context DFD:
Figure 2.5: Customer – Shopping Cart Context DFD
Customer – Shopping Cart Detailed DFD:
Figure 2.6: Customer – Shopping Cart Detailed DFD
Customer-Authentication Context DFD:
Figure 2.7: Customer-Authentication Context DFD
2.1.3.3 User Interface Design
Before implementing the actual design of the project, a few user interface designs were constructed to visualize the user interaction with the system as they browse for books, create a shopping cart and purchase books. The user interface design will closely follow our Functional Decomposition Diagram. Figures 7 – 20 show the initial designs of the web pages.
Figure 2.8: Front Page of RupJayGri Shop with menu
2.2 The Magic of the Three-Tier Architecture
Generally, the architecture refers to the way we split the code that implements a feature of the application into separate components based on what they do and grouping each kind of component into a single logical tier.
In particular, the three-tier architecture refers to an architecture that is based on these tiers:
• The presentation tier or view
• The business tier or controller
• The data tier or model
Figure 2.9: Example of information exchange among application tiers
The presentation tier contains the user interface elements of the site and includes all the logic that manages the interaction between the visitor and the client’s business. This tier makes the whole site feel alive, and the way you design it has a crucial importance for the site’s success. Because your application is a web site, its presentation tier is composed of dynamic web pages.
The business tier (also called the middle tier) receives requests from the presentation tier and returns a result to the presentation tier depending on the business logic it contains. Almost any event that happens in the presentation tier usually results in the business tier being called (utilized), except events that can be handled locally by the presentation tier, such as simple input data validation, and so on. For example, if the visitor is doing a product search, the presentation tier calls the business tier and says, “Please send me back the products that match this search criterion.” Most of the time, the business tier needs to call the data tier for information to be able to respond to the presentation tier’s request.
The data tier (sometimes referred to as the database tier) is responsible for managing the application’s data and sending it to the business tier when requested. For the RupJayGri e-commerce site, you’ll need to store data about products (including their categories and their departments), users, shopping carts, and so on. Almost every client request finally results in the data tier being interrogated for information (except when previously retrieved data has been cached at the business tier or presentation tier levels), so it’s important to have a fast database system.
2.3 Choosing Technologies and Tools
No matter which architecture is chosen, a major question that arises in every development project is which technologies, programming languages, and tools are going to be used, bearing in mind that external requirements can seriously limit your options. We’re creating a web site using PHP 5, MySQL 5, and related technologies.
We really like these technologies, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the best choice for any kind of project, in any circumstances. Additionally, there are many situations in which you must use specific technologies because of client requirements. The Requirements Analysis stage that is present in most software development process will determine which technologies you must use for creating the application.
Although the book assumes some previous experience with PHP and MySQL, we’ll take a quick look at them and see how they fit into our project and into the three-tier architecture.
2.3.1 Using PHP to Generate Dynamic Web Content
PHP is an open source technology for building dynamic, interactive web content. Its short description (on the official PHP web site, http://www.php.net) is “PHP is a widely-used general-purpose scripting language that is especially suited for web development and can be embedded into HTML.”
PHP stands for PHP: Hypertext Preprocessor (yes, it’s a recursive acronym) and is available for free download at its official web site. The story of PHP, having its roots somewhere in 1994, is a successful one. Among the factors that led to its success are the following:
• PHP is free; especially when combined with Linux server software, PHP can prove to be a very cost-efficient technology to build dynamic web content.
• PHP has a shorter learning curve than other scripting languages.
• The PHP community is agile. Many useful helper libraries or new versions of the existing libraries are being developed (such as those you can find in the PEAR repository or at http://www.phpclasses.org), and new features are added frequently.
• PHP works very well on a variety of web servers and operating systems (Unix-like platforms, Windows, and Mac OS).
2.3.2 Apache Web Server:
Apache offers various advantages to users, developers and Web administrators:
- Features. Apache has various useful features, including implementation of the latest protocols.
- Customizable. Apache's modular architecture allows you to build a server that is "made to measure".
- Administration. Apache configuration files are in ASCII, have a simple format, and can be edited using any text editor. They are transferable, so one can effectively clone a server. One can control the server from command line, which makes remote administration very convenient.
- Extensible. Apache server and API source code are open to public. If there is any feature that you want but does not exist in Apache, you can write your own server module to implement it.
- Efficient. A lot of effort has been put into optimizing the Apache's C code for performance. As a result, it runs faster and consumes less systems resources than many other servers.
- Portability. Apache runs on a wide variety of operating systems, including all variants of UNIX, Windows 9x/NT, MacOS (on PowerPC), and various others.
- Stability/Reliability. Apache's source code is open to public. When any bugs are found, they are often quickly communicated, and rapidly fixed. Updates are made and announced thereafter. This has resulted in Apache becoming more and more stable, and hence reliable, server over the time.
- Support. Apache is supported by the Apache Group, a large number of dedicated users (many of whom can often be found in the Usenet newsgroup
comp.infosystems.www.servers.unixor comp.infosystems.www.servers.ms-windows), and by companies who market commercial versions of Apache.
2.3.3 MySQL Database:
In this project, MySQL is used as the backend database. MySQL is an opensource database management system. The features of MySQL are given below:
MySQL is a relational database management system. A relational database stores information in different tables, rather than in one giant table. These tables can be referenced to each other, to access and maintain data easily.
MySQL is open source database system. The database software can be used and modify by anyone according to their needs.
It is fast, reliable and easy to use. To improve the performance, MySQL is multithreaded database engine. A multithreaded application performs many tasks at the same time as if multiple instances of that application were running simultaneously.
In being multithreaded MySQL has many advantages. A separate thread handles each incoming connection with an extra thread that is always running to manage the connections. Multiple clients can perform read operations simultaneously, but while writing, only hold up another client that needs access to the data being updated. Even though the threads share the same process space, they execute individually and because of this separation, multiprocessor machines can spread the thread across many CPUs as long as the host operating system supports multiple CPUs. Multithreading is the key feature to support MySQL’s performance design goals. It is the core feature around which MySQL is built. MySQL database is connected to apache web server with the use of PHP scripting language.
2.3.4 MacroMedia DreamWeaver:
For writing codes and making design we use Macromedia DreamWeaver
2.4 Choosing Naming and Coding Standards
Although coding and naming standards might not seem that important at first, they definitely shouldn’t be overlooked. Not following a set of rules for your code will almost always result in code that’s hard to read, understand, and maintain. On the other hand, when you follow a consistent way of coding, you can almost say your code is already half documented, which is an important contribution toward the project’s maintainability, especially when multiple people are working on the same project at the same time.
Naming conventions refer to many elements within a project, simply because almost all of a project’s elements have names: the project itself, files, classes, variables, methods, and method parameters, database tables, database columns, and so on. Without some discipline when naming all those elements, after a week of coding, you won’t understand a single line of what you’ve written.
When developing RupJayGri Shop, we followed a set of naming conventions that are popular among PHP developers. Some of the most important rules are summarized here and in the piece of code that follows:
• Class names and method names should be written using Pascal casing (uppercase letters for the first letter in every word), such as WarZone.
• Public class attribute names follow the same rules as class names
• Private class attribute names follow the same rules as public class attribute names.
• Method argument names should use camel casing (uppercase letters for the first letter in every word except the first one), such as $someEnemy, $someOtherEnemy.
• Variable names should be written in lowercase, with an underscore as the word separator, such as $master_of_war.
• Database objects use the same conventions as variable names (the department_id column).
CHAPTER THREE
Work Flow of RupJayGri Shop
3.1 Web Page Flow in RupJayGri Shop
The web page is divided into five parts as in the figure below:
Fig 3.1: Division of Webpage
1. Header Part
In our RupjayGri shop the header part consists of the search box which is useful for searching the product directly likewise, the shortcut to login and sign up. As well it also consists of the name of the Shop and the header also contains the advertised products in the scrolling images.
Fig 3.2: Header Part
The header part also consists of the menu.
The menu contains the link to the pages so that the visitors can easily render the pages.
2. Left Bar:
The left bar contains the categories and other boxes which is changeable as per the pages. The categories box shows the list of category and on the click of the list the products of the same category is show
3. Body Part:
The body part consists of the content of the website.
Fig3.3: Code Snippet of the Body Part
4. Right Bar:
The right bar is also changeable as per the page requirement.
5. Footer Part:
The footer part contains the footer of the pages which can contain the reserved information and copyright as well as links to the pages.
3.2 Showing our Visitors what we’ve got
One of the essential features required in any e-store is to allow the visitor to easily browse through the products. Whether our visitors are looking for something specific or just browsing, it’s important to make sure their experiences with our site are pleasant ones. After all, we want our visitors to find what they are looking for as easily and painlessly as possible. This is why we’ll want to add search functionality to the site and also find a clever way of structuring products into categories so they can be quickly and intuitively accessed.
Depending on the size of the store, it might be enough to group products under a number of categories, but if there are a lot of products, you’ll need to find even more ways to categorize and structure the product catalog.
In our RupJayGri Shop products are categorized into different categories and the visitors can easily get the product as per the category.
Likewise there are many sections which show the different product like the tab section which shows the best seller products and selected items by the RupJayGri Shop.
Products are also shown in different category as per the click in the menu
Fig 3.4: Category of Product
Products are categorized as per the manufacturers also so the visitors can also view the products as per the manufacturer.
3.3 Detail View of the Product:
Fig3.5: Code Snippet to Show the Details of the Product
After getting the list of the product we can view the details of the product by clicking in the pictures of the product or just clicking the details button.
3.4 Searching the Products
Products can be searched based on the product identification number, name of the product. For searching the product just type the name of the product in the box
Figure 3.6: Form for Searching the Product type the name of product
After pressing the ENTER key we will get the list of searched product.
3.5 Administration Section
The department administration section allows the user to add, remove, and change department information. To implement this functionality, you’ll need to write the necessary code for the presentation, business, and data layers. One fundamental truth regarding n-tiered applications (which applies to this particular case) is that the business and data tiers are ultimately created to support the presentation tier. Drawing on paper and establishing exactly how you want the site to look is a good indication of what the database and business tier will contain (in other words, what functionality needs to be supported by the User Interface, or UI). Once the functional and technical specifications are done, you will know exactly what to place in each tier, so the order in which you write the code doesn’t matter. However, except for the largest projects that really need very careful design and planning, this kind of flexibility rarely happens in practice.
3.6 How to add product
After clicking in the Product Management of dashboard we get the list and click in the product to add and view product
Fig 3.7: Product Management
The product list is shown as in the figure:
Fig 3.8: Product List
The edit and delete of the product is done by clicking in the link. When we click in the edit link the figure as below is shown:
Fig 3.9: Add and Edit Product
Other view and edit is done as above.
3.7 Folder Structure:
RupJayGri shop uses an MVC style framework:
Model - Database layer
View - Template display
Controller - Main controlling code base
So for each product page on the frontend, there are up to 3 main files:
M: components\products\model.php
V:components\products\view\view.php
C: components\products\controller.php
Fig 3.10: Folder Structure
3.8 Search Engine Optimization
Search engine optimization, or simply SEO, refers to the practices employed to increase the number of visitors a web site receives from organic (unpaid) search engine result pages. Today, the search engine is the most important tool people use to find information and products on the Internet. Needless to say, having your e-commerce web site rank well for the relevant keywords will help drive visitors to your site and increase the chances that visitors will buy from you and not the competition!
RupJayGri shop is so small and young and some of the points that we consider to make the site more searchable are by following:
· Implement keyword-rich URLs
· Redirect requests to index.php
· Dynamically generate the page titles to reflect the contents of their pages
· Errors and problems are properly handled and redirect to pages in the site.
· We correctly used page headings and other markup, so that search engines will be able to identify the page’s important copy.
· We don’t have duplicate content. The catalog doesn’t contain identical pages, or page fragments, which can incur search engine penalties.
· The product, department, and category pages are easily reachable
As for example the url is:
Fig 3.11: url bar
3.9 Customer Sign Up:
In our shop customers are able to buy or place the product in cart only when they are registered.
Fig 3.12: Customer Sign Up
The customer have fill the sign up form and click the sign up button and the password is send to the email given.
3.10 Customer Login:
The customer can login with the username and the password provided in the mail. For the first time login the customer will see the form below:
Fig 3.13: When Customer Login for the First Time
With the filling of the form the customer will be able to buy product and add it to the carts. For the other time the customer will be able to directly login into the dashboard.
3.11 Shopping Cart
When customer clicks “Add to Cart” for any product, it is added to the shopping cart.
Adding a product into the shopping cart does not decrease the quantity of products in the database. It is decreased only after an order is placed for the product. In our RupJayGri shop the shopping cart whether the product is added to the database or the cart or not and on clicking the “Go To Shopping Cart”, the detail of the cart is shown.
3.12 Placed Order and Proceed to CheckOut
When “Proceed to CheckOut” button is clicked which is located on the bottom of the shopping cart, the web page will direct to the form where the customer have to input the shipping information and the payment information
Fig 3.14: Place Order and Proceed Checkout
3.13 Confirming the information:
After filling the form in shipping and payment information the final confirmation page sis shown which is from the paypal API and consists of the credit card information to be filled up. After clicking the submit button the paypal process the credit card information and send whether the payment is successful or not.
3.14 How to shop in the RupJayGri Shop?
For the easiness of the customer there consists of video and ways to do shopping in RupJayGri Shop in the page why_us and the link is at menu’s Shopping Demo.
Three simple steps:
Step 1: Search
There are 2 ways by which you can locate products on our site.
A. Keyword Search
A. Keyword Search
There is a Search Box in the header (right hand top corner)
v Enter the product/item that you want to locate for in the Search Box (Eg: If you want to buy flowers, you can type Flowers in the Search Box). You can also search for products within a category.
v Then click on the Go Button. The next page will display the Search Results with suitable products for you to choose from.
B. Category/Sub-Category Search
Products at RupJayGri.com are divided in Categories and Sub-Categories with further sub-division, displayed in the category list at top. You can browse through each of these Categories until you find your desired product type.
Step 2: Register
Registration on RupJayGri Shop Visitors must be a registered user of RupJayGri Shop to be able to BUY online. RupJayGri Shop Registration process is fast, easy and totally FREE! Click on the Sign in link on the top right corner in the header part of every Page.
Please follow the steps to register with rupjaygri.com
v Enter your Email address which will also function as your User Name for rupjaygri.com
v Finally, click on the Sign Up button.
v Now login with the username and password in the email that we have send to the customer.
Step 3: Buying on RupJayGri
v Login
v View the product or list the product
v Click the details of the product and click the “Add To Cart” button if u like to purchase then go to the details of shopping cart and click Proceed to checkout and follow the steps.
3.15 Product Reviews
At this point, we have a complete and functional e-commerce web site. However, this doesn’t stop us from adding even more features to make it more useful and pleasant for customer. By adding a product reviews system to your web site, you can increase the chances that customer will return to your site, either to write a review for a product they bought or to see what other people think about that product. A review system can also help you learn your customers’ tastes, which enables you to improve the product recommendations and even make changes in the web site or the structure of the product catalog based on customer feedback. To make things easy for both the customer and us, we’ll add the list of product reviews and the form to add a new product review to the product details pages. The form to add a new product will show up for only registered users, because we decided not to allow anonymous reviews (however, you can easily change this if you like). We’ll create the code for this new feature in the usual way, starting from the database and finishing with the user interface.
3.16 The Product Reviews Feature
The product reviews feature is simple enough. It is governed by three simple design decisions:
v The list of reviews and the interface elements necessary for adding new reviews should be displayed below the list of product recommendations on the product details pages, as shown in Figure ……
v If the product has no reviews, we should invite the reader to write the first review, as shown in Figure ……
v Only registered users can write product reviews
Chapter 4
ER Diagram and UML Diagram Description
4.1 USE CASE
A use case is a set of scenarios that describing an interaction between a user and a system. A use case diagram displays the relationship among actors and use cases. The two main components of a use case diagram are use cases and actors.
An actor is represents a user or another system that will interact with the system you are modeling. A use case is an external view of the system that represents some action the user might perform in order to complete a task.
| Browse Catalog and Search Item |
| Access The eSHOP Website |
| Get Product Information |
| CUSTOMER |
| Fig 4.1 Customer Relationship |
| Give Shipping Info |
| Buy the Product |
| Give Payment Info |
| CUSTOMER |
| Get Invoice (i.e., Slip) |
| Get confirmed i.e. Received Product |
| User Login |
Fig 4.2 Customer Payment Process UML diagram
| Enter Product Details |
| User Login |
| Small Problem |
| Medium Problem |
| CUSTOMER |
| Replace Product |
| Customer Satisfied |
Fig 4.3 How Customer Get Satisfied UML diagram
4.2 ER-Diagram (ERD)
Customer Entity;
Fig 4.4: Customer ER diagram
Product Entity:
Fig 4.5 Product ER diagram
CHAPTER FIVE
Literature Review
Electronic Commerce (e-commerce) applications support the interaction between different parties participating in a commerce transaction via the network, as well as the management of the data involved in the process.
The increasing importance of e-commerce is apparent in the study conducted by researchers at the GVU (Graphics, Visualization, and Usability) Center at the Georgia Institute of Technology. In their summary of the findings from the eighth survey, the researchers report that “e-commerce is taking off both in terms of the number of users shopping as well as the total amount people are spending via Internet based transactions”. Over three quarters of the 10,000 respondents report having purchased items online. The most cited reason for using the web for personal shopping was convenience (65%), followed by availability of vendor information (60%), no pressure from sales person (55%) and saving time (53%).
Although the issue of security remains the primary reasons why more people do not purchase items online, the GVA survey also indicates that faith in the security of ecommerce is increasing. As more people gain confidence in current encryption technologies, more and more users can be expected to frequently purchase items online
Another important factor in the design of an e-commerce site is feedback. The interactive cycle between a user and a web site is not complete until the web site responds to a command entered by the user. According to Norman, "feedback--sending back to the user information about what action has actually been done, what result has been accomplished--is a well known concept in the science of control and information theory. Imagine trying to talk to someone when you cannot even hear your own voice, or trying to draw a picture with a pencil that leaves no mark: there would be no feedback".
Web site feedback often consists of a change in the visual or verbal information presented to the user. Simple examples include highlighting a selection made by the user or filling a field on a form based on a user's selection from a pull down list. Another example is using the sound of a cash register to confirm that a product has been added to an electronic shopping cart.
Completed orders should be acknowledged quickly. This may be done with an acknowledgment or fulfillment page. The amount of time it takes to generate and download this page, however, is a source of irritation for many e-commerce users. Users are quick to attribute meaning to events. A blank page, or what a user perceives to be "a long time" to receive an acknowledgment, may be interpreted as "there must be something wrong with the order." If generating an acknowledgment may take longer than what may be reasonably expected by the user, then the design should include intermediate feedback to the user indicating the progress being made toward acknowledgment or fulfillment.
Finally, feedback should not distract the user. Actions and reactions made by the web site should be meaningful. Feedback should not draw the user's attention away from the important tasks of gathering information, selecting products, and placing orders.
CHAPTER SIX
Conclusion
The Internet has become a major resource in modern business, thus electronic shopping has gained significance not only from the entrepreneur’s but also from the customer’s point of view. For the entrepreneur, electronic shopping generates new business opportunities and for the customer, it makes comparative shopping possible. As per a survey, most consumers of online stores are impulsive and usually make a decision to stay on a site within the first few seconds.
“Website design is like a shop interior. If the shop looks poor or like hundreds of other shops the customer is most likely to skip to the other site” Hence we have designed the project to provide the user with easy navigation, retrieval of data and necessary feedback as much as possible. In this project, the user is provided with an e-commerce web site that can be used to buy books online. To implement this as a web application we used PHP as the server scripting language. For the client browser to connect to the PHP and server we used Apache as the Web Server. MySQL was used as back-end database since it is one of the most popular open source databases, and it provides fast data access, easy installation and simplicity.
A good shopping cart design must be accompanied with user-friendly shopping cart application logic. It should be convenient for the customer to view the contents of their cart and to be able to remove or add items to their cart. The shopping cart application described in this project provides a number of features that are designed to make the customer more comfortable.
This project helps in understanding the creation of an interactive web page and the technologies used to implement it. The design of the project which includes MVC framework illustrates how the database is built with different tables, how the data is accessed and processed from the tables. The building of the project has given me a precise knowledge about how PHP, HTML is used to develop a website, how it connects to the database to access the data and how the data and web pages are modified to provide the user with a shopping cart application.
An e-commerce organization can create data-based Web pages by using server side and client-side processing technologies or a hybrid of the two. With server-side processing, the Web server receives the dynamic Web page request, performs all processing necessary to create the page, and then sends it to the client for display in the client’s browser. Client-side processing is done on the client workstation by having the client browser execute a program that interacts directly with the database.
| Bibliography |
- Book References:
1. E-Commerce An Indian Perspective, PT Joseph
2. System Analysis and Design Methods, McGraw-Hill Companies
3. Report Management Information System, Prentice Hall
4. Maloni, C.Julie, SAMs Teach Yourself PHP, MySQL and APACHE: New Delhi, SAMS Publishing House, 2005.
5. Casentino, Christopher, Advance PHP for Web Professional: New Delhi, Prentice Hall of India, 2003.
- Website References:
4. www.php.net
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